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Mailbag: Guys Hate That I Can’t Orgasm During Sex

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Hi Cristina,
I have a problem I was hoping you could help me out with. I can’t orgasm from sex. Let me repeat that: I have never once orgasmed from actual sex (I have from self-stimulation though). That’s not exactly the problem, though. I still enjoy having sex and it still feels really good. The problem is that it really really bothers almost every guy I’ve ever slept with. I’ve tried explaining that I still want to have sex with them and that it does feel good and that I enjoy it but they’ve all had trouble accepting that to be true. I’ve even tried faking it a few times but apparently I’m not a very good actress because none of them have believed it. As a result, it has ended or caused major problems in every single one of my relationships. Some of them have confided in me that it makes them feel inadequate even though they are not the problem. How can I explain to guys that I’m not bothered by the fact that I can’t reach orgasm from sex? Or how can I stop them from being so bothered by it? It is ruining both my sex life and my love life and is starting to become a real problem for me. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s great that they are concerned about how I feel during sex too, but for me it’s not all about reaching that end goal and I just want to be able to consistently have sex with the same person without them becoming freaked out by my lack of orgasms.

DO NOT FAKE ORGASMS. I’m sorry, I probably could’ve come up with a smoother introduction, but the instant I read you’ve tried to fake orgasms I went into a state of panic. I understand your problem. You want help explaining to guys that it’s okay that you can’t orgasm during sex, but the very reason he’s bothered by the fact that you can’t orgasm is because so many girls have probably faked it with him before. Only 25 percent of women consistently orgasm during sex. Any guy who says he’s made every single girl he’s ever been with orgasm during sex is either really, really lucky or a liar. But it’s not their fault they believe this; it’s ours. The only reason why so many guys are bothered by it or feel inadequate is because most girls probably feel like they have to fake it, too.

Don’t do this.

A majority of women can’t orgasm from sex, but for some reason we still feel the need to lie and perpetuate this idea that we can and we do. By faking it, you’re just inflating his ego . I get it, you don’t want him to feel bad and you want him to know that you’re enjoying the ride to pound town. Contrary to what most guys know and assume about sex, you don’t need to orgasm to enjoy it. If you’re part of the lucky 25 percent who do orgasm from sex, count yourself lucky. Plenty of women who don’t orgasm from sex still enjoy it, but then they feel the need to fake it to prove it to a guy and make him happy, and we all suffer as a result. Guys just assume that’s what’s supposed to happen, and when it doesn’t, they get their feelings/penises hurt.

I get it. Sex is an amazing thing between two people who want to make each others’ private parts happy, so you care about how he feels. You like these guys and it’s refreshing to see that so many guys have voiced their concern about making sure you’re having a good time instead of just using you as a glorified sex doll, but if you really like these guys you (and all women) need to just tell them the truth. It’s not that common and it isn’t a big deal. It might come as a shock to him, but it’s true. The earlier you tell him, and the more guys you educate, the less pressure women will feel to prove that they’re having a good time by faking an orgasm.

If you know you can orgasm (whether it’s through oral, finger, or an oral/finger combo), tell him how to do it so he can help you get there. If you’ve never orgasmed, just be straight up with him and tell him that you still enjoy having sex but not to expect any fireworks on your end. He’ll probably take it as a challenge and that will make sex even better, so it’s a win-win situation either way.

Just don’t fake it. For all our sakes.

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Cristina Montemayor

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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