Mailbag: My Boyfriend’s Roomate is a Whore

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Nice Move

Mailbag: My Boyfriend's Roommate Is A Whore

For those of you who don’t know, I’m kind of a messiah when it comes to relationships. I’ve received a few reader emails asking for my advice and this one was too pressing to ignore.

Pearls,

If anyone can help, it’s you. My boyfriend, who is in love with me and can’t wait to have our Lilly-loving children, just got a new apartment. It’s a two bedroom. His roommate? His “bestest friend,” and his ex-slam. While their fucklationship was only three weeks long, and before he ever met me, I still worry about them living together. She’s trying to be my best friend, but I can’t tell if it’s for real. Heeelllpppp meeeeee.

Sincerely,
If she fucks my boyfriend I’ll probably flip.

 

Dear Blake Lively in Savages,

Threesomes are not a good option, so just give up on that immediately. Do not let him convince you it’s a good idea, no matter how much Absinthe he has left over from his last trip to Ibiza, because it won’t be.

That being said, your boyfriend kind of sounds like a dick for doing this to you. I don’t trust guys who hang out with girls socially so much so that they have no guy friends. Were every single one of his male friends unavailable to live with? Was a one-bedroom apartment not a possibility? There is no good reason for moving in with someone you used to fuck, unless you’re trying to fuck them again. Do you actually believe there won’t be a single instance that she’ll be running through the apartment in her underwear? Of course there will.

As for her, I’m certain she’s a huge “guy’s girl” type of cunt who is only hoping to get close to you to learn your weakness which she will later use to destroy you. It’s one thing to be civil with your boyfriend’s exes, but it’s entirely another to be friends with them, especially when they share an apartment with him. You have a couple options here:

  1. Befriend her so you can steal her social security number. Enroll her in some type of armed services, or Peace Corps-type program that will contract her out of the country during the length of her lease.
  2. Install security cameras throughout the apartments so you can have a constant surveillance, JUST in case she “gets drunk” and “tries to cuddle” with your boyfriend.
  3. Send her a birthday card with Ricin.
  4. Find a used hypodermic needle and try it out on her while you’re pretending to practice for a final in one of your nursing classes. (Are you a nursing major? If not, find a friend who is). Nothing says “I’m unfuckable” like having a hepatitis strain, unless you’re Pam Anderson and the guy is Kid Rock.
  5. Have you tried calling your boyfriend’s mom? I find that mothers can be your greatest ally when you’re dealing with sluts. Shoot her an e-mail asking if she’ll be helping decorate your boyfriend’s new place because you love her taste in home decor (you don’t). Then throw in a few sideways comments about his new roommate suggesting she’s running a drug ring or a brothel out of their breakfast nook.
  6. Leave your boyfriend, because if he doesn’t respect you enough to know that this was an asshole move on every level, he is not worth one more second of your time. You will literally fight with him about this for the duration of the lease, and it’s not worth the energy you’re going to spend on high alert that this skank may be trying to ruin your life. You don’t sound that attached anyway. He loves you. Do you love him? It really sounds like you’re indifferent on the matter. Trust me, there are about a million better guys out there.

Let me know how this works. I really like option #4.

Love you,
Pearls xo

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