Mailbag: My Sisters Don’t Know They’re Eskimo Sisters

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Mailbag: My Sorority Sisters Don't Know They're Eskimo Sisters

Semen sisters, pole pals, “person you may know” on Facebook, no matter what you call them, a girl who has hooked up with the same guys as you have is the worst. There was one such girl I went to school with. Literally, every single guy I had drunkenly made out with had also drunkenly hooked up with her. God, I hated her, but I was never comfortable calling her ugly or tacky, because I assumed, to the untrained, heavily intoxicated eye, we probably looked a lot alike, considering we attracted the same suitors.

We were unspoken rivals, naturally, but luckily for us both, our social circles only overlapped by way of the dark-haired, big-muscled assholes we loved. As far as our girls went, we never had to worry about accidentally offending someone when we talked shit about each other in the standard post-hookup gossip:

“And guess who he’s hooking up with now.”
“Jackie Montecito?”
“Jackie Fucking Montecito!”

There was a full group of friends separating us on either side. My bestie Jessica, had a friend, Nicole, who had a friend whose name I could never be bothered to commit to memory who was friends with “Jackie” as we’re calling her, and my roommate Kate, had a friend Sam, who had a friend Sara who was the little of Jackie, but there were three degrees between us, so we never had to tiptoe around the fact that we kind of looked alike, blatantly had the same taste in men, and undoubtedly hated each other. I can’t imagine life any other possible way. Jackie and I were able to pretend we didn’t know each other, which is much easier than passive aggressively chit-chatting and complimenting the five pounds the other had put on (which in turn, would have made us feel fat, for fear that the last boy was a chubby chaser). Thank God we weren’t in the same sorority, or even worse, in the same sorority, with some close, mutual friends. That would have been hell, both for us, but more importantly, for the girls who felt the need to balance our friendships, keep the shit-talking to a minimal, and attempt to restore peace. One reader has had the unfortunate luck of being that middleman for her roommate and her little. She wrote in looking for advice from yours truly:

Hey Hot Piece!

My friend and old roommate used to hook up with this guy, Ben, our freshman year. We’re now going to be seniors. My little had a not-relationship with Ben this past year, but ended it to be with another guy. Last week, my friend hooked up with Ben again after not having done so for 2 years.

This week, my little is coming to visit me (in the city where Ben also lives) and he has been texting her asking her to sleep over etc. Both my friend and my little have been talking about Ben to me. Should I tell both girls or will that start unnecessary drama? My little has some feelings for Ben, but my friend is more into casual sex. Thoughts??

Hey girl,

Let’s start off with the basics.

Whatever you do, you will not be starting unnecessary drama, as this situation has been unnecessarily dramatic since before you were involved. Both girls have a history with this boy, so the rules of feminism are not so clear-cut on who actually has dibs. One is now, one was then — one came first, the other came second, but more emotionally, but hey, some girls don’t come at all, so they should consider themselves lucky. I find it hard to believe that any college girl of the 21st century doesn’t at least kind of know of the other significant girls in their boys’ lives, past and present. It is especially hard not to know about it if a mutual friend with whom they both have close relationships, like that of roommates or big and little, connect the two ladies.

I assume these girls are not very close friends, because if they were, one of them, and I can’t figure out which one at the moment, because this whole situation is semi-fucked, would have been a huge bitch for putting her hands on Benny boy in the first place. I’ve always maintained that if you’re not close enough to know about a girl’s relationship with a guy, you’re not close enough for him to be hands-off. That doesn’t make the situation any less awkward for you. In fact, it makes it more awkward.

“Don’t hook up with him…for my friend” has never been justifiable in the court of girl law. As the middle-woman, you wish it would, but on either side, you know it doesn’t. People are inherently selfish, and if you like a guy, the fact that some other girl is going to be jealous of you for hooking up with him is not enough reason to stop you, in fact, it’s usually encouraging. What I’m trying to say is this: the relationship between your little and your roommate is not going to be enough for either of them to stop hooking up with him if they want to.

With that said, the fact that he’s two-timing both of them can still have an affect on their relationships with you. But Veronica, (you can call me Veronica, if you like) if they’re both just going to do what they want anyway, why should I stir things up and awkwardly have to listen to my besties talk shit about each other? Because, my dear, knowledge is power.

Let’s imagine you don’t tell them. We’re going to use logic, and by logic, I mean girl brain, which may or may not actually be “logical” by most standards, but is inevitably what will happen anyway. So you don’t tell them, and they both hook up with him. It’s the same exact situation, except in this case, you don’t have to deal with the inevitable discomfort of the situation. Ben, stud that he is, continues to hook up with both of them to his dick’s content. Being the bright young ladies and/or paranoid-but-rightfully-so psychos that you naturally choose to surround yourself with, one of your friends eventually starts to pick up on it. Something smells fishy, and she just took a shower, so it’s got to be him. He must be seeing another girl behind her back and who does she come crying to? You, of course.

As a close friend, it is your womanly DUTY to agree, though they are baseless accusations, that the other woman is, in fact, an ugly, evil skank. You are literally required to help her get to the bottom of this. It would simply be wrong if you didn’t engage in a cyber stalking session to find said hussy and pick apart her physical features as well as her awkward usage of social media. And it will be quite difficult to do those things when the ugly, evil skank is your bestie. Plus, you now feel the weight of a thousand piles of shit on your shoulder, because you know that choosing not to tell her was an asshole move.

You need to tell them both, because they both need to know. Allowing them to unknowingly get played is not okay, regardless of what either of them want from him. If you tell them, there’s a chance they both hate him, pull a John Tucker, and you get to be the one to make him wear a thong. If you don’t tell them, there’s a chance they both hate you. I’d go with something simple and direct. Tell them both (individually) that he’s talking to both of them. They may care, or they may not, but it’s their decision at that point to continue hooking up with someone who is disrespecting them.

BEWARE. One or both of them may ask you to tell the other one to stop. THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB, AND DON’T LET THEM MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR IT. You are there to inform, and support, but you can’t control either of them, and as they have no obligation to each other, neither is technically doing something wrong (just putting you in an awkward as shit situation). The ultimate problem here is that Ben wants both of them, and that issue isn’t resolved by cutting off his resource on one end or the other. He still has a wandering eye, and perhaps a wandering penis. If they’re willing to go into a situation with a guy, knowing that, those are their prerogatives, but they can’t and shouldn’t be mad at you, or at each other for “allowing” it to happen, because as long as you tell them both, the only girl either of them can blame for “allowing” this situation is herself.

I’d also advise you be prepared with some good, old-fashioned man-bashing, coupled with some “you didn’t like him anyway,” (true for your friend, because she just wanted to hook up, and for your little, because she ditched him for someone better) just to be on the safe side.

***

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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