Mark Fucking Sanford: Too Frat To Care

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Mark Fucking Sanford: TFTC

In light of the special election for the open South Carolina Congressional Seat, it seems only appropriate to do a write up on the most TFTC politician out there, Mark Fucking Sanford.

After beating out fifteen other Republicans, Mark Sanford gained the Republican nomination and is now competing against Elizabeth Colbert Busch (Stephen Colbert’s sister) for the seat formerly occupied by Tim Scott.

Sanford is a divisive figure with a tarnished background, and he could literally give two shits. Known more for his royal fuck-ups than for his political plays, Mark Sanford should be the idol of every morally wrecked college guy out there. He is the Hugh Heffner of politics, the Bill Clinton of the Republican Party. Mark Sanford is literally too frat to care.

It all started in June of 2009. Mark Sanford, a former Congressman and all around badass, was the then governor of South Carolina, the first state to give a giant ‘fuck you’ to the Union and secede. He became a worldwide sensation by literally disappearing from Columbia (the state capital, not the country, you dumbfucks). Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC joined forces for a brief moment in time and dedicated themselves to the crazy story coming from the palmetto state: where the fuck was Mark Sanford?

For four days Mark Sanford may as well have been dead in the alley of a strip club. Before his disappearance, he told his staff he was hiking the Appalachian Trail (because that is a normal thing that people do), but the story was quickly debunked and the search continued. He ignored calls from his staff, ignored calls from the police, and ignored calls from his family. People were concerned. Mark Sanford, a beloved conservative leader of the south, was missing.

Then it happened. Mark Sanford was spotted getting off a plane from Argentina in the Atlanta Airport by a reporter named Gina Smith. The story unraveled faster than he could say “fuck me.” As it turns out, Mark Sanford was not hiking the Appalachian Trail, he was not doing secret business, and he had not died. Oh, no. Mark Sanford was fucking an Argentinian slampiece.

Within hours of landing back on American soil, he held what can only be described as the worst, most uncomfortable, idiotic, rambly press conference. It was amazingly perfect — too good to be true. For upwards of twenty minutes, Sanford mumbled and rambled, admitted to numerous other affairs, and called this mystery Argentinian woman his “soulmate.” In the biggest ‘fuck you’ of all, he was not wearing his wedding ring. Two weeks later, his wife, Jenny, had moved out of the governor’s mansion and taken their four boys with her.

Most people, after being publicly shamed, go into some sort of seclusion. They claim to be suffering from a midlife crisis or they cite an addiction to alcohol or sex (maybe even both?) and retire to a sunny rehab in Arizona, but not Mark Sanford. Mark Sanford took his newfound worldwide celebrity status with a fucking smile on his face and a swoop in his hair. State investigations and attempts to impeach him proved to be unsuccessful because if we’ve learned anything, it is that Mark Sanford is untouchable. He did receive a $70,000 ethics fine, the highest in history for you know, using state funds to get laid. He was literally unfazed. Unfazed. He wrote a fucking check and continued about his day.

He and Jenny were eventually divorced, his term ended, and he moved back to Charleston to essentially dick around. Fast forward two years. Likely having grown tired of refraining himself from cunt punting Harry Reid on a daily basis, Senator Jim DeMint resigned to take the incredibly lucrative job as president of The Heritage Foundation. Governor Nikki Haley appointed Congressman Tim Scott to take his seat, thus opening the SC-1 seat. Then the magic happened. Mark Sanford came out of the fucking woodwork, otherwise known as golf courses, the Charleston Yacht Club, and the vagina of a very rich Argentinean, and announced that despite having been involved in the biggest political scandal since Monica Lewinsky dropped to her knees, he was running for U.S. Congress.

After a three month special election during which he spray-painted “Sanford Saves Tax $$$” on fucking plywood in lieu of TV commercials, he bitch-slapped every other credible candidate and won the Republican nomination.

Now, all that stands between him and a political comeback, is Stephen Colbert in drag, Elizabeth Colbert Busch. Fraternity gentlemen of America, tonight when you pray that the girl you fucked in a blackout stupor is not in fact pregnant, throw in a good thought for your boozing, cheating, TFTC idol, Mark Fucking Sanford. Let’s send this son of a bitch to Congress.

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From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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