Why NO-vember is the Absolute Worst

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Halloween is officially over, which basically means I’m going to head into a dark, depressing, downward spiral until Spring Break. Yes, it’s still football season, and yes, I do get a cute little break from classes for Thanksgiving, and yes, this semester is winding down (by that I mean picking up because my work load is quadrupled). However, November is absolutely, hands down, the worst month in the history of all terrible months. The only holiday to look forward to is one that involves massive amounts of food, family, and football, which would be fine if Thanksgiving were celebrated more like a tailgate than an entire family affair that involves my million year old great grandmother pestering me as to why I haven’t found a husband yet (which she’s been doing since I was 16). I don’t even like football, either (just the social aspect of it) so I can’t even mute the women asking me to “help cook” by pretending to be interested in some game on TV. Aside from Thanksgiving being the worst concept for a holiday ever conceived, this November is promising to be particularly miserable because it’s an election year. I honestly hate discussing politics because it’s not only completely rude, but it’s the most annoying conversation to partake in tune out. I’m getting so irritated with anyone who talks about the presidential election that I’m honestly considering asking asinine questions the next time it comes up: “Who is Obama?” and “is Ann Romney going to wear Alexander McQueen or Dianne von Furstenberg to the coronation ceremony? Oh, it’s an inauguration? But she’s queen now, right?” I’m hoping this is enough to bring the conversation to a halt. The election wouldn’t be worth adding to my list of grievances if it weren’t for the fact that once the election is over, we all know nobody will shut up about it until the new iPhone comes out, or John Galliano says something ridiculous and everyone finds out. I can’t even deal with the prospect of GDIs running their mouths for WEEKS about the election results. The only bright side of the election is that it happens on a Tuesday, so the results won’t mess up Gossip Girl or Grey’s Anatomy, so there’s that.

I also don’t understand where I’m supposed to be as far as my morning beverage choice goes during the month of November. I feel as though I still haven’t fully appreciated the era of triple venti soy Pumpkin Spice Lattes, yet Starbucks has already started pushing their Gingerbread/Peppermint agenda on everyone. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Is pumpkin officially dead? Is it time to burn up the last of my pumpkin/apple pie scented candles and make a trip to Yankee Candle to overload on Jack Frost and Home for the Holidays? I feel like this month has a holiday identity crisis, and it’s actually super stressful.

The worst part about November is, hands down, this monstrosity certain males take part in referred to as “No Shave November.”

I would like to take a moment to state my official stance on “No Shave November”: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOPE. NO. NUNCA. NEIN. NIL. DO NOT.

No Shave November has countless websites, blogs, and forums dedicated to the cause…which is literally just guys going a month without shaving their facial hair from November 1 until December 1. First of all, this is absolutely disgusting. In some dark, sick corner of the world, someone started a rumor that all guys can/should pull of facial hair. Not only is this not true, but it’s actually a harmful lie to start. When guys think they’re capable of growing facial hair, they become 100% more annoying and arrogant. I don’t know what it is, but a day old mustache does wonders for a guy’s ego, regardless of whether it looks good or not.

I am clearly a fan of the clean shaven look, because I prefer guys who look both employable and as if they have access to running water on a daily basis (homeless-looking guys need not apply). Also, NOTHING is worse than trying to make out and having stubble get in the way. Think about day old stubble on your guys face, and then multiply it by 28…yes, that is the horror that becomes No Shave November…unless you’re as good as I am. It’s been my experience that with most girls, once a guy has committed to the concept of No Shave November, she can pretty much forget about trying to change his mind. It’s completely ridiculous to try to go eye for an eye on this one, and you’re absolutely disgusting if you even think about trying.

However, I will endorse the following male celebrities if they decide to lose their razors/give up on themselves/check into rehab.
1. Collin Ferrel
2. Adam Levine
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Ben Affleck
5. Zac Efron
6. George Clooney
7. Prince William
8. Chace Crawford
9. John Mayer
10. Bradley Cooper.

Like, literally, that’s it. Anyone else looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway or Zach Galifinakis in his daily life. It’s awful.

Happy November?

***


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  1. chio_in_bows

    “Aside from Thanksgiving being the worst concept for a holiday ever conceived…”
    I’m pretty sure the concept of Thanksgiving is actually to be THANKFUL for what we’ve been given – a family to spend the holiday with, food to share (and spare), and maybe even football – not to whine about how you don’t appreciate those things.

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    • TSMGVSU

      Well, generally concept comes before creation. So… following that, a holiday is created based on a certain concept, so it’s fair to say the concept has a lot to do with the origin of the holiday. Logic…

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    • chio_in_bows

      I’m quite aware of how it began, and I didn’t say anything about that. I said that now, it’s meant to represent thankfulness. No need to get twitchy, hun.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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    • chio_in_bows

      I would rather spend my Thanksgiving giving thanks, but clearly we don’t feel the same. So let’s agree to disagree politely.

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  2. PearlsandPines88

    I don’t mind the first week or so. There are guys who can pull off a decent amount of stubble, and some cheat and trim so it’s not all scraggly. Once they start to look like mountain men, we have a problem.

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  3. Plan B is Plan A

    1) It’s called “Movember”.
    2) It’s a fundraising thing – you get sponsors who donate a few bucks for every day you don’t shave and the money goes to prostate cancer research.
    3) Go fuck yourself you uppity bitch.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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  4. PinkPolkadotsNPearls

    I can understand all parts of this column except the fact that you have no life until spring break. Am I the only one who absolutely LOVES winter? Hello christmas, new years, and valentines day! Presents, parties, scarf and boots season, and tons of reasons for GLITTER on everything! Maybe just me, but these reasons and more winter the absolute MOST WONDERFUL time of the year (yes, pun intended)!

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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