Official Size Of The Average American Penis Released

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The average American penis is many things — pink, ugly, and attached to a giant jackass, but the question we’re all dying to know the answer to is not in which ways the penis we’re spending most of our time with is average, but in which ways it isn’t. How do you compare, fellas? Do you measure up? *Elbow nudge* *Fake giggle leading to uncontrollable real giggle*

That magic number, according to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine on July 10 is a whopping 5.6 inches. Bummer.

I always wonder how they conduct studies such as these, because Lord knows 5.6 isn’t the average size of a flaccid penis. (I’m sure most women can relate when I say the most confused I’ve ever been in my life was the first time I saw a flaccid penis. I just could not understand how that big, scary, angry-looking thing I had just been playing with shrunk down to something so tiny and not-at-all frightening — cute even, like a puppy or a baby seal. I digress.) I imagine it’s hard to get…well, hard, when some nerd in a lab coat holds a ruler to your dick, so I was never sure how these national measurements were acquired.

Researcher at Indiana University Debby Herbenick conducted her study by relying on self measurements. 1,661 men got together with a “friend,” and/or a vibrant imagination, and measured the size of their own erections, and submitted the numbers to Herbenick online. I happen to think this is incredibly stupid, and might even mean that the average penis is smaller than we think. Much like I feel the need to lie about my weight, even though it has absolutely no bearing on how I look, I’m sure many guys tend to give themselves an extra half inch here and there as they see fit.

Nevertheless, the reports indicated that the average length was 5.6 inches, compared with an average girth of 4.8 inches. Thank heavens we’re measuring girth now, because that’s the only part that matters. Just kidding, boys. It all matters. If you have a small dick in any dimension, you’re going to die alone.

Some more interesting facts about penises:

  • “The smallest erect penis in the study was about 1.6 inches (4 cm) long, and the largest was 10.2 inches (26 cm) long.” 1.6 inches, OMFG.
  • “The study found that other characteristics of a man, such as his race or orientation, weren’t good predictors of his member’s size.” Not even height? I’ve always assumed people were generally just proportional.
  • “Different methods of obtaining an erection may lead to different size measurements — men in the study who became aroused through oral sex reported larger penis size on average than those who attained erections through fantasizing.” But is it because BJs are more arousing, or because a bigger penis leads to more BJs?
  • “Don’t ignore the balls” This one’s just a quote from my ex-boyfriend, not the study. Valid, nonetheless.

Hebernick is interested in conducting similar research for women, because hey, we need another reason to feel that we pale in comparison to all other women. I literally don’t know if this means the length, width, elasticity, tightness, all of the above, or something else that I don’t even know is a potential issue (*Goes home. Attempts to measure vagina. Gets confused. Eats ice cream and cries.*), and I have NO idea how one would measure those things, but I have a lot to start irrationally hating about myself before Hebernick’s next study is released. This Debby character seems like a real bitch.

[via Huffington Post]

Image via Date Daily

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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