Boys are funny. They like to say that girls are “crazy,” and I won’t say it’s not true. I’ll just say that they’re saying it for the wrong reasons. Have I been a psychotic girlfriend? Yes. Was it because I got drunk and cried while he was watching the game instead of paying attention to me? That would be a big, fat no. A few stray tears in a fit of emotions is nothing compared to all the other crazy shit I do. And then it occurred to me, that boys LITERALLY don’t know all the crazy things we actually do.
Read through everything he’s ever written.
A bunch of guys recently told me that a girl reading through his messages would be “next level crazy,” which is true. It’s an insane invasion of privacy, intensely controlling, and certifiably psycho. The guys then continued by telling me that they’ve never had a girlfriend do that, and they’d immediately dump anyone who did. To which I replied “HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.”
Reading through texts, Facebook messages, emails, DMs, and whatever else you can get your hands on is admittedly a young girl’s game. I don’t think most women continue to, say, add their fingerprints to their boyfriend’s phones so they always have access no matter the password postgrad, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who hasn’t done it at least once. Bear in mind, this behavior is FUCKED. UP, but at least know that you’re not the only one.
Stalk The Event He’s At
It’s not simple enough for you, online stalker genius, to simply creep his social media after an event. No, no. You must stalk literally the entire event. Was there a game on? What time did it start, per the Google machine? Did the bar he said he was at really play the game? Did the event post photos? Who was there? Did they post photos? Is he in the background anywhere talking to some girl who is definitely the devil? And the hashtag. Don’t forget to search the hashtag.
Secondary and Tertiary Stalking of his Social Media
Facebook: Guys know you creep them. Everyone creeps everyone on some level. But they don’t know just how far you go. You don’t just look at their Facebook. You stalk his mother and sister. Why? I don’t know. Because girlfriends are always weirdly jealous of sisters. Maybe you just need to know if his sister is prettier than you so you see who will be the better couple one day. Maybe you just want to stalk all his sisters friends to figure out which of them he’s probably hooked up with. And you stalk his mom, because you want to see what kind of relationship she had with his ex-girlfriend. And eventually you feel like you know his entire family dynamic, and just how you will fit in.
Twitter: You don’t just read every tweet he’s ever written. You also search his handle to find his mentions so you can see who he had conversations with, even if he deleted the tweets. You look through the people he’s following to see if anyone needs to be removed from his life. If you’re logged in, maybe you take the liberty of unfollowing them yourself. You search his favorites and grab a team to evaluate if the tweets were, indeed, favorable, or if he just likes the girl who tweeted them.
Instagram: You don’t just stalk his Instagram back to his prom photos, and then open a separate tab to stalk every girl he’s ever looked too huggy with in a photo. You stalk his tagged photos, and then continue to stalk every person who’s ever tagged him in a photo. You know, just to see what kind of people he hangs out with. And obviously you do it on desktop, so you don’t have to play the “will I accidentally like an old photo” game on mobile. That’s amateur hour.
Kind of. Your mom used to do real drivebys back in her day. You know, to find out if he was really where he said he was going to be. She’d call his house and hang up, just to see if he’d answer. She’d gather her girlfriends in the back of her car, and drive by his house to see if his car was there and the lights were on. Today, you have to improvise. Maybe you’ll have your roommate text his phone to see if he’ll respond to a random number. Or maybe you just stalk the shit out of him on Find My Friends. But you’re keeping tabs, oh you are keeping tabs.
Checking The Timestamps On All Social Media
Let’s not jump to conclusions. He’s not texting you back, and you may have to kill him, but hopefully he’s already dead. You’re no fool. He’s not going to say he wasn’t by his phone if you check and see that he’s on Facebook. Or that he recently Snapchatted. Or Instagrammed. Or fucking anything. You are constantly checking every single time stamp you can find and comparing it with your last received message. If he thinks he’s going to lie to you and say his phone was dead, he’s the crazy one.
If you start dating a guy, you don’t just ask his major. You specifically ask what he wants to do with that major. “Math major” means nothing to you. “I want to be an actuary,” though, that gives you something to work with. What the fuck is an actuary? You don’t even know. But you will know the starting and average salaries of all actuaries in your state and the bordering states just in case this works out. If you’re graduated, maybe you look his house up on Zillow to see how much he paid for it. You just want to see how fancy your white picket fence is going to be.
Let the record show, that this is NOT acceptable behavior. But I know you do it. And you should know that other people do it too. And you should know that your boyfriend absolutely does not know you do it and if he finds out you, say, looked through his Facebook search history to find out if he’s creeping on anyone who’s prettier than you? He will lose his shit, and you will be wrong. If you’re making up stories about things your “friends” did in relationships just to make sure he responds appropriately, he will think you are mental, and he will be right. But for now…what he doesn’t know won’t hurt you..