There are some couples out there who say they never fight and they go around toting this information like they’ve got the secret to happiness, while all of us plebes sit down here in our self-created “I saw you looking at the bartender” hells. Sure, it might theoretically be nice to be with someone whose default is to love and support you, and who generally takes you for your word, but truthfully, if you’re not fighting at all, you’re not passionate. A professional might suggest that you don’t fight with a partner unless there’s genuinely something that one of you has done to hurt the other, and to use open and honest communication to reach a resolution. But I can think of a million reasons to fight with your man other than as a means to come closer to each other as a couple, but I’m just going to name one: to see how much you can get away with.
Being a psycho girlfriend is a unique kind of power that says A) you have absolute control over your happiness, even the happiness that comes from another person, and B) you’re pretty. When your boyfriend lets you get away with some next level crazy girl shit, he’s essentially saying that you’re pretty and he loves you. And sometimes you need to hear those things by any means necessary. So if you’re in a pinch, you should have some go-to fights to start, just for fun!
1. The “Go Have Fun With Your Friends” Fight
A classic, this one has been around since your mother was manipulating your father in the early ‘90s and it’s a simple as it sounds. When your boyfriend decides he’s going to go out in the world to some type of fun event without YOU, the most fun thing in his life, you have two options. You can either tell him “go have fun with your friends,” kiss him goodbye, and give yourself a beauty night. OR you can say “go have fun with your friends,” kiss him goodbye, and secretly harbor resentment for him all evening, watch his snap story 17 times, and let the rage build for hours until he comes home, at which time you release your inner banshee as he slowly welcomes death. This one is fun because it keeps him on his toes, and unless he’s very attentive, he won’t ever really know what you mean when he leaves the house. Don’t overuse it though — the surprise is half the fun.
2. The “I Don’t Know What I Want To Eat, But I Don’t Like Any Of Your Suggestions” Fight
This can work in any number of scenarios, but I much prefer the choosing-a-restaurant avenue. All you have to do is be of absolutely 0.0 help when he asks what you want to eat and then moodily shoot down everything he comes up with. From there, get annoyed with him for even thinking you’d want Italian tonight when he knows you’re low carb this week, and how dare he suggest tacos down the street — you just ate there, and it’s like he never wants to take you anyplace nice. Be sure to act like a completely changed, sweet, and loving woman once you’re fed, and to blame your attitude on being hangry.
3. The “Talk Too Much About Your Sex Life” Fight
He knows you talk about your sex life with your friends, but he doesn’t know that your squad could describe his penis in alarming detail to a sketch artist if it went missing. Let him know! Let him know that the intimate details of his life that he thought were private between the two of you were actually a public service announcement the next day at brunch. In fact, in the gossip mill, you headlined this week. This is a fun switch because it actually feels like he is starting the fight, because he’s the one who got butthurt, but as long as you refuse acknowledge your wrongdoing throughout, and he still loves you by the end of it, you win.
4. The “Wedding Board” Fight
Show him your wedding boards on Pinterest. This is already one level of crazy, but I implore you to take it up a notch. Pin some things you know he’ll hate, and then get upset with him for not liking your dream wedding. Tell him all of his ideas are stupid and that it’s not even fair for him to have an opinion on this because you obviously care much more about your wedding than he does. Can’t he just let you have this ONE day as well as every day before and after that for all of time? The goal is to get so into this argument that he forgets you’re not even engaged yet.
5. The “Whiskey Dick” Fight
Whiskey dick happens, and as the name implies, it happens because of whiskey or other alcohol, and not because your boyfriend isn’t interested in you or in getting an erection. I know this. You know this. He knows this. But he doesn’t know you know this. It’s a secret women have kept since the beginning of time for when we want our boyfriends to apologize to us, even when they haven’t really done anything wrong. You know the drill. When things start to get hot and heavy, but there’s no movement in his downstairs area, just start to get upset about it. Maybe cry! “Is this my fault? Why aren’t you attracted to me? Is it someone else?” Then reap the benefits of some non-reciprocal cunnilingus and possibly the brunch of your choosing come morning.
6. The “You Didn’t Like My Instagram Photo” Fight
If done correctly, you can actually make this seem like it’s something bigger than a social media double tap. He knows how hard you’ve been working on your aesthetic, and yet, he can’t be bothered to do this ONE little thing for you? You do everything you can to support him in everything he does and it’s just starting to feel like this relationship is very one-sided. It’s as easy as that! Welcome to endless adoration from your boyfriend, sister friend, and welcome to the triple digit like club on Instagram..
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