Sexual Assholes and Emotional Sluts


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Nice Move

“Nice Guys” love to complain about the fact that girls never like them. “Blah blah blah, woe is me, I treat her flawlessly, but she still likes that asshole.” We’re inclined to feel bad for them. They really are so sweet, and they say the right things, and they are always there for us. They are the ones who help us carry things, shovel our cars out of the snow, and bring us soup when we are sick. They plan out the perfect dates, they buy us the best and most thoughtful gifts, and they aren’t afraid to tell us how they really feel. They seem to do everything right…but we still don’t want them. It seems stupid. Is something wrong with us? No, absolutely not. There is a reason, and I hope, after having put it in these terms for them, nice guys will finally understand the error of their ways.

Everyone knows that no guy wants some old washed up whore. Sure they want us to be able to swallow their dicks whole and spit it back out without getting our teeth in the way or gasping for air. They want us to be able to ride them, gargle their balls, and scream their name all at the same time. They want us to be sexual fucking sorcerers, and I’m sure plenty of them complain about girlfriends who aren’t willing to do crazy shit, or who refuse to give blow jobs without expecting him to buy her a unicorn in return. They want us to be the best lay they’ve ever had. But they don’t want us to do those things with anyone else but them. It’s not very logical. Clearly the girls who are the most experienced are going to be the best in bed, but the reasons a guy doesn’t want a slut for more than a night or so makes sense. People like to say it’s because she’s dirty. I don’t think that’s really why. I’m sure sluts shower. They’re probably the girls who are fastest to jump on the idea of lasering their poons so they are always silky smooth, and if guys were really so concerned about catching shit, they’d opt for protection more willingly. A vagina is a vagina and if it’s attached to a hot girl, they don’t really care. The reason guys don’t want sluts is because they are easy to obtain. If you’re giving yourself out to everyone, there is no challenge. They want a challenge. Someone they need to chase after. It’s no accomplishment to get someone anyone could have.

This is where it gets interesting…or at the very least, relevant.

Nice guys…are like sluts. Emotional sluts. Think about it. What do guys want? Sex. And a girl who gives out sex left-and-right is a slut. What do girls want? Love. So a guy, who gives out love left-and-right…is a SLUT. It’s not that we don’t want a guy to be nice to us. We do. The same way guys want girls who are good in bed. But we still want it to be a challenge, so I guess that means we don’t want someone who is nice to us without making us work for it, or someone who is nice and caring to everyone. Nice guys give their love too quickly, too easily, too blatantly, and to too many girls. It’s not attractive. Nothing is attractive about a girl who will sleep with anyone, or a guy who will love anyone. It’s not a good feeling to be on the arm of a guy who’s already had feelings for a million other girls, maybe even your friends. He’s probably been turned down by plenty of girls for this very reason. So what the hell do you want with him? Everyone’s reject? The guy who literally would have wifed up any girl who wanted a relationship? What a slut. No thank you. A nice guy, just like a slut, serves his purpose. He’ll be there for a quick fix when you’re having trouble with the guy you really want…The Asshole.

The Asshole is like the prim and proper girl who doesn’t sleep with anyone. Love is in there somewhere, but they just seem to NEVER want to give it up. This is who we want. And why? Because if you get that thing from this person (love or sex, I think I’ll just use them interchangeably…they’re practically the same thing anyway, right? kidding), you get to feel AWESOME about yourself. This person doesn’t give it to just anyone. Something is special about you. This is total reaffirmation of the idea that something about you is absolutely, categorically, without question better than everyone else who has tried and failed. If you score with this person, you’ve really succeeded. People will be fighting bouts of envious shock forever. The whole world is suffering from want-what-you-can’t-have fever, particularly when it comes to relations(hips) with the opposite sex.

So, in short, no one wants to buy the truck when you’re giving out ice cream for free. Whether that ice cream is feelings or a vagina, the sentiment still stands. Girls, if you want to lock a man down, be the sexual asshole. And guys, if you want a girl, stop being an emotional slut. Simple as that. Though I can’t help but feel that guys got the better end of the deal.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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  1. 11

    This is the most illogical shit i’ve ever heard.. so convoluted and backwards.
    Now let me tell you why girls REALLY don’t like “nice guys”

    It’s because women like whatever there not getting. If she’s with a nice guy then he’s going to be a planner, he thinks about you and considers what you might like, he does thing to make you happy because that makes him happy, but soon you’re going to get fed up of his predictable ways and like the cunt you are you’ll hunger for some bad boy cock also known as “fun” & “excitement”. So you go off and get with a bad boy all the while knowing what he’s like, but because women like a challenge just as much as men do.. you think you can change him into a gent. Now this is the fork in the road, 1 of two things happen here – either you turn him into they guy you think you want and then break up with him because he’s now “too nice” for you, OR you find him fucking your best friend and begin your campaign of hate on Facebook and Twitter posting all sorts of shit about how men suck! and how it’s impossible to find a “nice guy”. The truth is, is you’re young and you have options and while ever you have options you’ll swing from dick to dick until your ass gets all wrinkly and no one wants you anymore, thats when you’ll decide this is as good as it’s going to get for you and settle down, have kids and be a impossibly selfish bitch to the poor sucker you tricked into believing you actually loved him

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
  2. 10

    It’s true. And half the time “nice guys” are so creepy. If you fall head over heels for a girl the first time you meet her, every time you me a new girl, we’re going to think you’re a psycho.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 5 years ago
  3. 7

    “He’s probably been turned down by plenty of girls for this very reason. So what the hell do you want with him? Everyone’s reject? The guy who literally would have wifed up any girl who wanted a relationship? What a slut. No thank you. A nice guy, just like a slut, serves his purpose.”

    -ok now a Good Guy who is a Gentlemen is not a (nice guy) or an (Asshole) Men are not really in two separate categories…
    – plenty of Assholes get rejected allot, pretty much every guy has been rejected.
    – In general I don’t think guys would ever wife up any girl who wants a relationship, girls get rejected too.
    -Also, guys want sex And love… what guy has never been in love with a women… the beginning of the third paragraph is wrong…

    This whole article is some person’s opinion, and it is NOT how the world works.
    Also it messes up in so many places

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      They made fun of W a little bit but not that badly which I was grateful for. They actually made him end on a good note. “You don’t have to trust your government, just trust in your country”

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 5 years ago

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