I love everything about pizza. Like, everything. The bread. The sauce. The mother effing cheese. How you can change it up with different toppings and the fact that posting it on social media guarantees you at least 100 likes. Is there anything better? No. Of course not. Fuck you. The only downside to pizza (besides the whole calorie thing, but whatever) is that to get it, you usually have to interact with other humans. Sure, you could settle for a frozen pizza. But even to get that you have to see people, and also frozen pizza is the Crocs of pizza. You’re better than that.
So finally, the machine of our literal dreams was created to eliminate the one downside to pizza. The first Pizza ATM is here, and the world as we know it is a-changing.
While the Pizza ATM is old news in Europe, Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio just installed the first one in the US. And it’s being used for college kids. Could there be anything more beautiful?
Assistant Vice President, Jude Kiah, spoke to Cincinnati Magazine about this glorious moment in American hsitory.
We were looking for a way to solve this problem of having a late-night pizza option on campus. We like the idea of being first and innovative and trying something new. There’s one Pizza ATM in the U.S. and this is it. his machine delivers a pizza which is really second to no other pizza I’ve had. It’s serving the exact same quality pizza that’s in the dining facility
Normally school pizza is mediocre, but these people aren’t messing around. They brought in a chef from France to help create the perfect pies. So basically you pay $9 and you get a delicious pizza that pops out of a machine. It’s open 24 hours a day, so if you time it right you can easily avoid making eye contact with any other humans, and when we purchase a whole pizza for yourself, isn’t that all we want?
So until everyone else catches on, we have two options: transfer to Xavier University or buy our own machines for a mere $55,000. Either way, it’s worth it for cheesy carbs without human interaction. God bless America..
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