I am the catch of the century. I can cook, I’m family-oriented, I’m funny, I’m unbelievably gorgeous, I love tolerate children, I like football, and I give a damn good blowjob. I choose to be single, however, because having a boyfriend while being a second semester senior in college sounds a lot like leaving a party at 11pm. And so what if I don’t have gentlemen suitors lined up outside my door…or that I’m not regularly hooking up with randoms, you know, love ’em and leave ’em style…I’M STILL A CATCH, DAMMIT.
Probably the most prevalent reason of why I’m a relationship hater is because I, at some point in my life, dated my now ex-boyfriends. Sure, they were good for me at the time, but men are like Brita filters, they need to be changed every 6 months to ensure freshness. And since the turn-around on these fellas is so fast, running into one of them, if not all of them, is at one point or another all but guaranteed. So, what do you do when you encounter these muck-filled bastards? Let me help you out.
It’s already awkward enough that you’re within 50 feet of each other, why make it more awkward? Ignoring him is making him want you more, trust me. Guys love when girls don’t give a shit about them, thats why they ignore our triple texts so much. Anyway, I want you to act like he literally is invisible and you are deaf. He’ll try to make eye contact with you, he might even give a slight wave or a nod. DO NOT RECIPROCATE. Do not look, do not wave, do not act like he is a human being. If he wants your precious time and attention, he better shoot off fireworks and beg to talk to you. Don’t accept anything less than an all out Broadway level stage production to get your attention. If you finally give in, however, and he does get your attention, you’re going to have to actually have a conversation with him. Think about it. Ignoring him is best.
Talk yourself up.
You need to convince him (and maybe yourself) that you are so much better without him — because you are. There is a reason why you’re not together anymore, either he didn’t realize that you are the tits, or he failed to reach your expectations. Make him feel like shit compared to you. Talk about all of the great things you’ve accomplished, you know, like when you volunteered at the Special Olympics. Sure, it might have been for service hours, but don’t mention that. Feel free to embellish and exaggerate. Tell him that you’re working on developing a new strand of GMOs to solve world hunger, or that you sponsored a whole village of the Ndebele tribe, and are going to visit in three weeks (you’re not). Also, don’t forget to mention that you’re casually seeing someone. Doesn’t matter if you actually are, but him just knowing that you’re wanted will make you more desirable in his eyes. It’s science. Casually mention how your new guy talked about taking you to Miami for a nice relaxing weekend away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Oh, and that you’re rescuing a dog together. How precious.
The Exit Line.
Every conversation has an expiration date, and a conversation with an ex will go bad after about 4 minutes. Do not try to drag out the conversation any longer than it needs to be, despite how much you’ve re-charmed him. Let him down gently with a nice “Well, I have to go meet my guy for some drinks” or you know, that you’re waiting for an important call about your Ndebele village, and then leave immediately. If he asks, give him your number, but don’t ask for his. It says you don’t care whether he texts you or not. Don’t listen to anything they say, guys love mind games just as much as we do. Also if you don’t have his number, the chances of you drunk texting him go down tremendously. It’s a perfect situation.
After leaving, make sure to text everyone in your contacts about this awkward meet-up. The world must know that you and your ex saw one another and, shockingly, there was no bloodshed. You should also tweet about it and make it your Facebook status, but make sure to hide your Spotify for a little bit. You don’t want people (especially your ex) seeing that you’ve been listening to “First Cut is the Deepest” on repeat. That’d just be embarrassing. And you know what? If my advice was too much for you, just run in the opposite direction and never look back. Curl into a ball and never mention this encounter ever again. Ever.