What would my college experience be like if I was never introduced to Greek life, and more importantly introduced to you? I came. I saw. I conquered. Literally. I came to my newly built dorm on campus with boxes filled with appropriate length shorts, fresh new mechanical pencils, and lots of personal dignity. I saw multiple shrieking girls in matching black dresses run through my hallway, unsure what the commotion was about. Soon enough I found out these girls were in a sorority. Intrigued, I decided to look into Greek life, and decided I would give it a try.
You were the third house I visited. And you know the saying, third time is a charm. I knew right away we were meant to be. So every morning I hopped out of my highly elevated, squeaky twin-sized bed, stoked to try to impress you. I did my hair and makeup in an attempt to look like I belonged on the cover of a Cosmo magazine. I didn’t look like a photoshopped celebrity, but you never cared because we fell even more in love every day in a more soulful way. By the end of it all I conquered. You gave me a bid and all of my college dreams came true. So now it is my time to thank you.
First of all, thank you for improving my social life. Sure, I probably tossed around my credit card a little more than non-Greeks to pay for dresses, wedges, mani/pedis, and of course, costumes for whenever we had a themed social event. But not many feelings are better than bouncing down the stairs of a mansion with slick hair that your sisters helped perfect, and a toothy smile spread across your face wearing that sexy “Angel” shade of lipstick when you spot your date sporting a nice suit waiting for you downstairs. Besides the actual venue under sparkling stars and having a date that I can’t wait to rip his clothes off, formals are something extra special to me because I get to bond with my sisters in a fairytale way.
And thank you for teaching me exactly how high my hair needs to be teased and how much glitter to use for ’80s themed events, as well as dressing for other such affairs. Costume knowledge is essential in college. Thank you for the mixers with fraternities. I’ve met many of my best guy friends through these events. Yes, I’ve banged a few. But I can’t help it when an intelligent man with perfectly combed hair and a drinking ability that would kill Jimmy Buffet is capable of holding longer than a 10 minute conversation. Hell yeah almost any one of them with a penis and whiskey in his hand at a frat party will do body shots off of some chick with awkwardly big tits, and take her later into his room to “see his goldfish.” But they don’t expect that from us at mixers. Mainly because it’s physically impossible at whichever vicinity the mixer is held at. These events have a time frame meant for us to socialize with them and then later decide which boys are newly-found best guy friend, future drinking buddies, hubby material, or just one-night stand worthy because my vagina won’t quit annoying my cerebrum to bone. There’s no rush like there is at a party. Thank you for the sisterhood events that give me a chance to meet girls that I might have never met before. Gatherings like these really do help make this sorority stronger by doing simple things such as ice skating or just movie nights and crafting. And most of all, thank you for forcing me out of my shell and giving me opportunities to do the things so many of my classmates will never get to experience.
I also want to thank you for raising my standards. From schoolwork to living up to my big’s drinking records, I’ve constantly been challenged to be the best I can be. Academics come first, blah blah blah. We’ve all heard it. But because of you, your mandatory study hours, and threats to not be eligible to go to a social event if I don’t make grades, I push myself harder than I normally would to study and make A’s in history and statistics classes. Thanks to you, I now know what to wear and say in an interview. I’m also now able to say I help the community and give back to a cause bigger than myself. Our philanthropy gives me the opportunity to help others, and that is such an empowering feeling. Giving me a place to live is also something I need to thank you for. We have our own chef, an amazing house mom, and there will always be someone there to help put on flash tats before I go out. Also, it’s pretty rare for a sorority girl to go to class lectures every day wearing booty shorts and a crop top. You’ve drilled a dress code into my brain and now I know how vital it is to not dress like a total skank. As much as I say I hate our standards chair, and as many times I’ve been to hearings, there are reasons we have them.
Thank you for my best friends. This one is the most obvious. Some bitches say you are just buying your friends if you join a sorority. If that’s the case, then becoming a sorority chick is the best purchase I’ve ever made. Serving others, dancing on bars, shopping for camo themed parties, and study sessions just wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t “buy my friends.” I can’t even put in words how thankful I am for these girls. For starters, there’s my big. You hear stories of literally every sorority girl yelling, “OH MY GOD I LOVE MY BIG SO MUCH OMG OMG OMG SHE’S PERFECT.” And yes, I am that stereotypical obnoxious bitch who loves her big. We literally met by shacking at the same fraternity house. It was fate. From that classy moment on she protected and treated me as if I really am her baby sister.
My little and I met in a more casual way. But I fought harder to win her over more than I’ve ever tried to win over a guy. Basically, I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you for giving me a second family. But it’s not just them I need to thank you for, it’s all of the friends I’ve made thanks to you. Plenty of douchebags have regretted their existence after my sisters got revenge on them for being a jackass to me. When I want to use some lame pickup line on a guy while he is waiting on a whiskey coke at a bar, I’ll always have a sister who will keep his friend who is in much need of a shower company. My sisters will sit there with me and eat junk food at 3 a.m. when I’m having a mental breakdown about literally anything, regardless of how stupid it is. These girls keep me grounded and remind me of my responsibilities no matter how hard I try to slack off. Even if I screw up more than you can possibly imagine, I know we will be able to work things out eventually.
As luck would have it, I met women who will hop from frat house to frat house to even one more frat house all in the same night with me. And they always take their turn paying for an Uber without any excuses. When I wake up from nights that involve tequila, loss of clothing, a freakish amount of bruises, and pictures of dancing on a roof, my sisters will always be by my bedside with Aspirin and a mouthwatering breakfast burrito. When I get married my husband better have a hella lot of groomsmen because the amount of bridesmaids I’ll have by my side will likely outnumber them. And there’s no doubt most of my bridesmaids will be my sisters.
So thank you to the wonderful founders of my sorority for giving me the best college experience I could have ever asked for.
A proud sister.