The 10 Plagues Of Greek Life


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1. Diseased Livestock

All of the meat that is sent to our favorite fast food restaurants shall be tainted. Starting with something like, I don’t know, E. Coli at Chipotle. College students all over the country will have to either sacrifice their hunger for their health, or their health for their hunger.

2. Darkness For Three Days

You shall experience a 3-day blackout. There is no telling what your brain will do on autopilot, and honestly, you won’t want anyone to tell you. Not only will this be the hardest blackout of your life, it will be the most ridiculous. Throw yourself through a wall because someone looked at you funny? Yep. Text your boss and tell her how much of a snot-nosed weasel she is? You betcha. Pee just about anywhere and everywhere? Done and done. Good luck waking up to pissed off texts and a partially torn ACL.

3. Flood Of Natty Lite

The streets shall flood with the nectar of the Greek Gods. You will have to wade through the carbonated concoction to class, work, or anywhere else you need to be. It will eventually drain, but the unpleasant residue will never EVER be fully washed off of the floors.

4. Instagram Drought

You put up your absolute best pictures, that would usually rake in triple digit likes, and you shall only get a sprinkling. And they’re from your best friend, your roommate, your fam, and your ex-boyfriend who likes all of your shit in a desperate attempt to get your attention. Your thirst for societal approval will remain unquenched as you scramble to refresh your page, assuming that there is just a problem with the app. There’s not.

5. Haunting Of Hickies

Every hickey you have given or received shall reappear on your body. You remember in high school when you and your boyfriend though it was funny to put hickeys in weird places? Yeah, those too. These repulsive marks of macking will be permanently painted on your skin. Hope you have enough foundation!

6. Synced Periods

All the women of Greek life shall all sync up their menstrual cycles, causing mass mayhem. The rivers will run red and the hormones will run high. Good news is that you will know when to watch what you say to a girl and when to just give her chocolate. Bad news is that it will be all of them. And when bleeding, they are brutal.

7. Alcohol To Water

You know that awful moment where you wake up with a hangover and you try to chug some water but it’s actually vodka? Yeah that shall happen every time you try to drink water. It’s not as fun as it sounds. Even the most savage of the savage need a drink of water once in a while, but no more. Not to mention the sticky leftover feeling you’ll get after you try to shower.

8. Constant Themes

Every event you attend shall be themed. At first it may seem fun, but you don’t necessarily want to wear tutu to your little cousin’s piano recital. If there ever were a time to wear a tutu as an adult women, of which there are very few, this would not be one of them.

9. Deterioration Of Houses

The physical representation of your chapter shall crumble to the ground. First the letters, then pieces of the roof, and before you know it, you will be standing in nothing but a brick foundation with debris all around you. Everyone will be fine, including the house hound, but it will leave you homeless and heartbroken that your Greek castle has been demolished.

10. Resurrection Of Founders

The founders of your chapter shall rise for a Judgment Day. Would they really approve of how we have been acting? The women who started sororities couldn’t even vote for decades, but we have that right and choose to spend our time blowing glitter at cameras. We have traded their hoop skirts for half shirts. We have made so many advances for women over the years, and we should be extremely proud of them, but I’m sure the founders would have something to say about Rush Boobs.

The end is nigh.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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