The internet is a strange place. You can find out anything, from how to make a turkey to what your boyfriend wore to his junior prom. You can spend hours planning your dream (future, and as of yet, non-existent) wedding, and you can be mesmerized by cooking videos while scrolling through a Facebook feed flooded with mom comments.
Or, you can be one of the people who took part in the #ThingsISayAfterICum hashtag that is now trending on Twitter. Why this is a thing, I do not know. If there’s a joke behind it, I don’t get it. But what I do know is that it’s gross, hilarious, and totally perfect for our sick, twisted minds. Read, laugh, and remember a few of your favorites to use the next time you decide to “just hang out” with the guy who you pretend is your boyfriend.
#ThingsISayAfterICum that'll be $20
— nads (@maynadsbewithu) May 16, 2016
Pretty cheap, if you ask me.
The Uber will be here soon #ThingsISayAfterICum
— Joey (@joey_piga) May 16, 2016
He doesn’t open my door but at least he orders me an Uber using his discount code. That’s chivalry, right?
So do you like pepperoni on your pizza?
— James (@MaleOdor) May 16, 2016
It was love at first post-sex carb fest.
#ThingsISayAfterICum good game coach
— meggplant (@mgntuls) May 16, 2016
Sports! See! I understand sports! Now love me.
I've had better. #ThingsISayAfterICum
— Darth Baker (@DarthBaker_) May 16, 2016
We all have. It’s called a vibrator.
The wand chooses the wizard
— Pen 15 Club (@Pen15Coloring) May 16, 2016
Be still, my muggle heart.
#ThingsISayAfterICum let's not do this again
— wet sock (@SockWet) May 16, 2016
I’ll just keep telling myself this.
"I love you" #ThingsISayAfterICum "Nevermind"
— lil lit (@_jennnnx3) May 16, 2016
HAHAHHA. It’s funny because it’s literally our exact lives (looking at you, guy who said he loved me then disappeared when I was in the bathroom).
— david (@ninersince89) May 16, 2016
Red flag? More like romantic comedy dream come true.
#ThingsISayAfterICum "simba" *After wiping it on her forehead*
— Matthew Bell (@Matty_Pyro) May 16, 2016
*Cue The Lion King theme music.
#ThingsISayAfterICum you need a ride or is someone picking you up?
— hobbs (@habielhurtado24) May 16, 2016
No. It’s fine. I’ll just walk. In these heels and themed costume. S’all good.
"Waitress? Could I get some more napkins when you have a moment?"#ThingsISayAfterICum
— Cigi Warpurr (@CigiWarpurrTG) May 16, 2016
Hospitality at its finest.
#ThingsISayAfterICum lol I'm hungry
— Mykresha Llorrac ♡ (@_beaxtiful_kre) May 16, 2016
Oh sorry. I’m allergic to nuts. And a vegan. And don’t do blow jobs.
I hope you took your birth control today #ThingsISayAfterICum
— Ryan True (@ryantrue03) May 16, 2016
Oh shit, that reminds me.
You never fail to impress, Twitter..
Image via Shutterstock