The 14 Funniest Things People Admit To Saying After They Come


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The internet is a strange place. You can find out anything, from how to make a turkey to what your boyfriend wore to his junior prom. You can spend hours planning your dream (future, and as of yet, non-existent) wedding, and you can be mesmerized by cooking videos while scrolling through a Facebook feed flooded with mom comments.

Or, you can be one of the people who took part in the #ThingsISayAfterICum hashtag that is now trending on Twitter. Why this is a thing, I do not know. If there’s a joke behind it, I don’t get it. But what I do know is that it’s gross, hilarious, and totally perfect for our sick, twisted minds. Read, laugh, and remember a few of your favorites to use the next time you decide to “just hang out” with the guy who you pretend is your boyfriend.

Pretty cheap, if you ask me.

He doesn’t open my door but at least he orders me an Uber using his discount code. That’s chivalry, right?

It was love at first post-sex carb fest.

Sports! See! I understand sports! Now love me.

We all have. It’s called a vibrator.

Be still, my muggle heart.

I’ll just keep telling myself this.

HAHAHHA. It’s funny because it’s literally our exact lives (looking at you, guy who said he loved me then disappeared when I was in the bathroom).

Red flag? More like romantic comedy dream come true.

*Cue The Lion King theme music.

No. It’s fine. I’ll just walk. In these heels and themed costume. S’all good.

Hospitality at its finest.

Oh sorry. I’m allergic to nuts. And a vegan. And don’t do blow jobs.

Oh shit, that reminds me.

You never fail to impress, Twitter.

[via Twitter]

Image via Shutterstock

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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