Isn’t love grand? Sure, we act like being single is cool, but at the end of the day, having a significant other is really where it’s at. You get to talk to someone at night before going to sleep, order takeout for two, and post annoying shit on social media to make other people jealous. One of the best ways to do that is with totally absurd nicknames for the person with whom you choose to become FBO.
Now, I don’t want to call you “basic,” but let’s be real, most of us are. When it comes to couple nicknames, we aren’t the most creative. So, I’ve stalked high and low to find the most basic couple names to date, and what they say about your relationship, because I care.
Babe Or Baby: You’re most likely each other’s #WCW and #MCM every week. You’ve mastered the art of the flawless “couple selfie,” and you have no shame staying in and binge-watcing Netflix together. Sure, people make fun of you guys, but you can’t help that your relationship is so perfect.
Boo (Boo): You’re big believers in PDA, and if people have a problem with a public makeout sesh every now and again, that’s not your fault. The fact that your pet name weirds everyone else out kind of makes you love it more. #SorryNotSorry
Honey: You’ve most likely given or received random flowers, and you love the occasional kiss on the cheek. You want your partner to know that you not only respect him, but you think he’s sweet, kind, and a genuinely good person. FYI: I hate you.
Sweetheart: If your significant other calls you this, you’re most likely far from a “sweetheart.” Slightly spoiled and very attractive, this name is used for those of us who like the nicer things and nicer people in life. You can pretend to be offended, but it’s all good, because you still get exactly what you want: everything.
Daddy/Mommy: Maybe it’s a sex thing. Maybe it’s a “we don’t want anyone else talking to us so we’ll scare them away with our horrible pet names” thing. Maybe it’s some fetish you have. Whatever it is, it makes everyone else leave you alone because they are so uncomfortable, which was most likely your goal in the first place. Well done.
Beautiful/Handsome: True to the pet name, you’re the beautiful couple. Everyone just knows that when you (accidentally) have a baby, it will make all of the other babies feel inadequate. Thanks a lot.
Dear: Usually followed by a demand or request, couples who use this name get. shit. done. You don’t waste time second-guessing your relationship or calling each other cute names, because you’re way too busy being a fucking power couple for that.
Snookums, Sweet Cheeks, Or Some Other Ridiculous Name: It’s so cute, it almost hurts. Reserved for those over-the-top, don’t give a fuck, “we’ll wear matching shirts if we want to,” seriously committed relationship-types. Hate them. Fear them. They’re a force to be reckoned with.
Sugar Tits Or Sugar Balls: You’re a completely disgusting couple in the best way possible. You most likely laugh at the most inappropriate moments, aren’t afraid of a public grope, and make jokes during sex. Every other couple wants to be exactly like you, even if they don’t know it.
Shithead, Bitch, Or Woman: While it may seem as if this person hates his or her significant other, it’s actually quite the opposite. Using reverse psychology, this person lets his or her loved one know he or she really, really values the significant other as a person and as a sandwich maker. Shake it off, and cut off the crust while you’re at it.
Baby Doll: Because let’s be real: You’re obsessed with the fact that he thinks you’re perfect, tiny, and adorable.
Random Name Like Pooper Scooper: “From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.” Seriously. We don’t get it. Your inside joke pet names infuriate literally everyone, but you literally don’t care. Keep on keepin’ on, weirdos.
Best Friend: This is the couple to watch out for. These two raised the relationship bar on all of us, and their style makes it hard to keep up. Showing the world that you can be in love, chug a beer, and be friends all at the same time makes the rest of us look like shit. You want to hate them, but the truth is, they’re actually kind of perfect together. Assholes.
A “Brangelina” Name Combination: You’ve morphed so much as a couple that you’re not exactly sure where one of you starts and the other one ends. His clothes are your clothes, your leftovers are his leftovers, and all personal privacy has gone out the window. You can’t really get enough of each other, and the fact that you may or may not have a hashtag dedicated to you shows just how crazy you are…about each other, of course.
Princess: Self-explanatory. #TSM
Pumpkin, Cupcake, Or Another Food-Related Name: With a love that stretches through all types of cuisines, this relationship is based off of the foundation: full tummy, full heart. Or something like that. You can find these two eating pizza in bed, sharing dessert like it’s their job, and incorporating food into their sex regime. Some may think it’s weird, but whatever. More whipped cream in bed for you.
Darling: Used by couples with just the right amount of sass, love, and passion in their relationship, this pet name has been stealing girls’ hearts — and virginities — since long before our time.
Hubby Or Wife: You figure, “Why put off the inevitable?” You’re not only extremely confident in your relationship, but you’re also confident in the color scheme you’ve picked out for your future wedding. And to all the haters who make fun of you? Their wedding invite will get lost in the mail, which is too bad because you’ve already pinned some of the awesome drinks that you’ll serve at your open bar.
My Love: Instant. Panty. Dropper.
Your Actual Names: You enjoy each other’s company and you love being together, but you don’t feel the need to put on a show or make others jealous. You’re so busy not thinking over every aspect of your relationship that you actually have a really strong foundation — and some awesome beer pong skills to match. And I hear he’s a total tomcat in the sack. If only everyone else knew just how powerful a couple you really are…
Bae: Unless you’re using this about food, everyone hates you. I’m sorry. The only thing that is “before anyone else” is guacamole..