The Anatomy Of The Perfect Boyfriend


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Nice Move


Nobody’s perfect, and you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. But wouldn’t it be nice if you could? What if instead of waiting around for a guy to notice you at a bar or in class, you could just drive to the mall and make your own at Build-A-Boyfriend. Boyfriends at Build-A-Boyfriend come fully loaded with features like unconditional love, a soul, and an unlocked phone. They come free of ex-girlfriends and trust issues. If you could create a perfect boyfriend, this is what he would look like from head to toe.


Starting from the top, the perfect boyfriend would have a lush head of hair and a non-receding hairline. He would age gracefully, like George Clooney, and only start going grey after 50. His eyes would be blue, because has there ever been a guy with blue eyes you haven’t wanted to bone? No. It’s impossible. More importantly, he would have some kind of medical condition where he physically cannot look at other girls without being in excruciating pain. You’re quite literally the only girl he can lay his eyes on.


His brain would be hardwired to love monogamy and hate secrets. In fact, it would be impossible for him to lie. So when you ask him, “Do you that girl is hot?” his answer would be, “I can appreciate her double D’s and her face isn’t terrible to look at, but I would never even consider cheating on you with her because you are the only woman I could ever see myself with,” and you know he’s telling the truth. He would also come programmed with the knowledge to be able to fix anything. Your car, your computer, your TV, and everything else with a lot of wires. The perfect boyfriend would also think reality TV is interesting, not stupid, and have the kind of palate that can enjoy a 2 for 1 burrito special at the local greasy Mexican restaurant just as much as he enjoys taking you out to a five-star dinner.


The perfect boyfriend would be chiseled, but not in an intimidating way. Sure, we all think about what it would be like to bone one (or both) of the Hemsworth brothers when we touch ourselves at night, but it’s not a very realistic fantasy to have. When you have the body of a microwaved Peep, it’s impossible to enjoy sex with a guy that hot. You want someone who is hotter than you, but not so much hotter than you that when you walk down the street together, people think, “Why is that Calvin Klein model holding hands with that trash can?” That’s why the perfect boyfriend would have a nice body, but not too nice. The kind of body that’s muscular, but because he spends his days chopping wood and building your dream home from scratch, not because he spends an obscene amount of time at the gym taking selfies and talking about his #gainz.

His You-Know-What

A relationship is nothing if the sex is shit, which is why the perfect boyfriend also has a perfect dick. The Goldilocks of penises, if you will. Big, but not too big, and he knows how to use it. Size is important, but as everyone knows, it’s not the only thing that matters. The perfect boyfriend would be incapable of orgasming unless you orgasmed first. It’s only fair. He would also insist on being on top, which is perfect because you’re incredibly lazy in bed. Considering this is compltely fantasy, the perfect boyfriend also has no balls. They’re hairy and weird-looking and penises would just look better without them, if I’m being honest.


The perfect boyfriend would never, ever, ever wear flip flops unless he’s at the beach. This is very important.

Aside from all that, he would also be incredibly smart, attractive, and make a shit ton of money. That’s not too much to ask for, right?

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Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: (not .com).

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