The Be-All-End-All Care Guide For Having A Real, Human Boyfriend


Email this to a friend

Nice Move

boyfriend care guide

Hi there lucky lady,

Congrats! Your decision to have a real, human boyfriend will change your life in ways you never imagined! Not only are you taking a poor, helpless, needy guy off of the market, but you’re potentially investing in a lifetime of happiness. If you’ve had boyfriends before, take a look at our handy care guide, and you might just learn a thing or two! If you’re new to being a boyfriend owner, welcome! With our easy guide you’ll be the perfect boyfriend caretaker, and will make all of the other bitches green with boyfriendless envy.


Boyfriends are aggressive eaters. Not only do they have hearty appetites, but they lack self-control. Do NOT leave food out at all times. We advise feeding him three to five times a day. Most boyfriends are averse to kale, salads, and anything labeled “gluten-free.” Avoid feeding him anything that appears too healthy, as he’ll repel it and feel like you’re “controlling him.”


Every breed of boyfriend is different, so be sure to do your research. Dating a lazy-asshole type? Make him do some laps to the fridge every few hours. Dating a semi-active guy? Join a co-ed flag football team, or another activity just as embarrassing to ensure he gets a workout and keeps his ego in check. If you’re dating a cross-fit type, just take him out back and shoot him. It’s better to put him (and the rest of the world) out of his misery.


Play is important for all breeds of boyfriends. Without it they’ll feel like useless, little bitches. Set him up on play dates with his friends. Put on a movie or video game. Toss a ball to him when he’s feeling bored. Keeping him entertained and distracted is the key to keeping him happy, and when he’s happy, he won’t care that you haven’t shaved in days.


Mating is a very delicate art with boyfriends. Be aware, most breeds are very eager to have unprotected, yet non-child producing intercourse. Actual mating for reproduction doesn’t happen until much later. The only way to reproduce with said male is to get him to propose. Or “accidentally on purpose” get pregnant. Both are effective methods to tying him down forever and ever and ever.


Boyfriends require regular cleaning. Unfortunately, most of them don’t realize this. Suggest shower sex, or put a beer in the tub and tell him to go get it. Once he’s in there, lock him in the bathroom until he has thoroughly cleaned himself and his junk. It might seem cruel, but it’s really the only way.

Outdoor Exposure

Once again, different breeds call for different things. When it comes outdoor exposure, research your boyfriend’s breed to be exact. For the most part, partial sunlight at least once a week will ensure a nice, tan, skin-coat. For a manlier-man look, leave him outside two-three hours twice a week. Be sure to provide fresh, clean water as soon as he starts panting and/or whining.


Unfortunately your pet wont always be on his best behavior. When he steps out of line, you need to make sure to scold him to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. The silent treatment, passive aggressive door slamming, and withholding intercourse are all foolproof ways to let him know that he. fucked. up.


Going along with reprimanding, boyfriends love the idea of privacy. Be sure to give him his space to look at porn, touch his own penis, and watch people throw footballs around for hours on end. Act like you don’t notice which pictures he likes on Instagram or who texted him while he was in the bathroom. If you suspect he’s being a shady asshole, however, take it upon yourself to scold him. No one gets to play with your pet besides you!


One of the most important roles of a boyfriend owner is to embarrass the shit out of him. Tag him in wedding related posts on Facebook. Make him your #MCM every day of the week. Utilize PDA as much as humanly possible. Make sure the whole world knows that he is, in fact, your bitch.

There you have it, boyfriend owners! We wish you the best of luck with your new pet, and remember, obedience is all about showing him who’s boss! Never let him think that he can be his own person again, and you’ll have him on a leash for a lifetime!

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

More From Rachel Varina »


You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

Click to Read Comments (6)