The Best Advice Any College Freshman Will Ever Get


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The Best Advice Any College Freshman Will Ever Get

Summer is upon us and that means that every day a new class of college freshman gets closer and closer to suffering through the misery of dorm life. This group of unsuspecting kids is about to embark on what will undoubtably be the craziest and most exciting part of their lives. The thrill of new twin-XL sheets, old library books, and dining hall chicken of an unknown age awaits them. Starting college can seem like a bit much at times, but have no fear fresh-faced 2015 grads, my tips can help you survive.

1. Invest in paper plates and plastic forks.
Look, so I know that right now you think that you really will wash all of your dishes and they totally won’t pile up on the desk that you’re supposed to be using to study, but you won’t. I don’t give a fuck if you think you will. You won’t.

2. Make friends that you didn’t know in high school.
I’m looking at you in-state kids. It’s much easier to build friendships with people you are already familiar with, especially in an unfamiliar environment, but college is about branching out. So, do it. If you think that you’re going though a huge change and you go to school 45 minutes away from home, just imagine what the kid down the hall who is 18 hours away from home is feeling. Now, speaking of friendships…

3. Befriend someone with a car.
Befriend them because making friends is cool and important. Befriend them because they have a great CD collection. Befriend them because they also happen to drive a 1998 Honda Civic with squeaky breaks and a window that doesn’t roll down. Whatever. That crappy Honda will come in handy when you need tampons and doughnuts at 11 o’clock at night and the local Walmart is not within walking distance. Plus, friends.

4. Go out as much as you want to.
The start of the year is when you have the most energy and everything is still new. Go to the bars, with your totally not fake ID, or go to the fraternities and drink the lukewarm, but free, beer. Do it all because you’re in college now and you can do whatever you want for the first time in your life.

5. Don’t feel bad about staying in.
Did your 8AMs leave you exhausted and now you just want to eat Doritos and watch Netflix? Cool. Do it. Why? Because you’re in college now and there are no rules. If that involves an undisclosed number of episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, then so be it. You do, after all, have the rest of your college career to drink that lukewarm beer on fraternity row.

6. Don’t talk about high school.
Were you the prom queen? Cool. No one cares. Were you president of the chess club? Cool. No one cares. Did you streak naked across the field during your homecoming football game? That actually is cool and you should tell that story at parties. Basically, you get a fresh start, so don’t let what you did in 9th-12th grade set the tone for what you will do for the rest of your life. Or college life. Whatever.

7. Go to fucking class.
I know this is old and you hear it all the time, but it’s true. Believe it or not, you will actually get better grades by mindlessly playing 2048 on your computer while listening to your biology professor talk about Darwinism in the background then you will by mindlessly playing 2048 on your computer and listening to Carrie Bradshaw talk about her shoe collection in the background. It’s crazy. I know.

8. Get used to the taste of coffee.
“But, I don’t like coffee,” you say as you sip on your grande vanilla bean frappacino. “Oh really?” I reply, “Tell me that again when you’re three espresso shots and an Aderall deep the night before your first final.”

9. Hook up with whoever you want.
As the famous philosopher Drake once said, “You only live once, that’s the motto [insert expletive] YOLO.” Nothing else really needs to be said about this matter.

10. Bring your chargers everywhere.
You never know when you might need to plug in your laptop or phone. Nothing is more upsetting then strolling into your British literature class, only to realize your battery life is in the red zone when you open up your MacBook for a distraction. If you’re super responsible and charge your laptop every night before you go to bed, it’s still useful to have a charger on you. What happens when the hot frat boy sitting next to you needs a charger? I know! You lend him yours! Now he owes you drinks. Or at least the notes that you missed from that one time you were too hungover to go to class.

So, now that you have all of these tips in your arsenal, there really is no way that anything could every really go wrong for you in college. You’re welcome.

The way to my heart is through a gin and tonic, I like cats more than I like people and I aspire to be successful at something, I just haven't quite figured out what yet.

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