It’s 8 a.m. on a painfully bright Sunday morning. You wake up to the obnoxious beeping of your alarm. Groggy and disoriented, you check your surroundings and assess the damage from last night. You’re in your own bed? Check. Your purse? Check. Your wallet? Check. And then it dawns on you…you now have to do the most agonizing thing after a night out: read your drunk texts. Face red and heart pounding, you have to either send an apology or delete the number altogether. You may be a serial drunk texter or a one time offender, but the shame feels just the same. Of course, most of these texts will add extra letters or omit entire words. No matter what the content, you’re left with the infuriating question of “why the f*** would I send that?”
1. The Angry Texts
In case you weren’t aware, alcohol can act like a steroid for emotions. It makes every cut sting a little more, and every heartbreak hurt even more. However, it can also unleash a tidal wave of anger coupled with an air of confidence you never experienced before. This results is the angry drunk texts. Now these texts don’t apply to everyone, I’m sure there’s some of you who have a supernatural ability to handle your frustration, but not all of us are perfectly stable as you.
Angry texts can include: “You’re a douchebag.”, “I hope you get chlamydia” “Thanks for wasting five months of my life, asshole.” And last but not least, a direct quote from my outgoing messages, “I would rather get stabbed in the eye than see you.” Lovely. Depending on your relationship with the receiver, an apology may be in order. Or possibly, you meant every damn word you sent.
2. Insecure Texts
Insecure texts stem from the questions that you think about late at night or as you daydream in class. Sometimes it’s hard to express your emotions or ask the difficult questions, especially when you might not like the response. Five drinks in you don’t wonder about these questions, you demand answers. And lucky you, 2 a.m, on a Friday night seems like the perfect opportunity to voice all the repressed questions. Insecure drunk texts include: “What are we?”, “Where is this going?”, “Am I not good enough for you?”, etc. The best way to avoid these suckers is to deal with the issues dare I say it, soberly.
3. The Horny Texts
Let’s face it, every girl is a little bit of a slut when she reaches that certain point of drunkenness. It’s that level where you feel confident in yourself to truly put yourself out there. It’s also the point where your vagina makes your decisions for you, not your brain. And your vagina is encouraging you to give someone an exclusive ticket to bonetown. Maybe your texts start out innocent, just asking what he’s up to or saying hi. But you’re not fooling anyone, especially yourself. Nothing screams horny as much as a 2 a.m. text. Soon “what’s up?” turns into “I want to see you” and “hi” escalates to “I want you so bad.” (Of course, those are the more PG ones.)
Personally, I’m flattered whenever I receive a drunken plea for sex. I’m flattered you, and your dick, are thinking of me. Knowing most guys, I’m sure that a horny text only further boosts their already large ego. Horny texts are harmless most of the time. Just make sure the person on the receiving end is not an ex, your boss, or the guy you swore you’d never sleep with again. Also, make sure you don’t actually act on this drunken whim unless you would approve of this soberly. The last thing you want is to wake up next to regret.
4. The Lonely Texts
Welcome to, in my opinion, the worst of all the drunk texts. Maybe drunk you think you’re swallowing your pride and admitting you were wrong or your true feelings. Or maybe you’re under the delusion that this will end positively. Spoiler alert, lonely texts never do. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of an intoxicated, depressed, and maybe a tad desperate text ending with running off into the sunset or a romantic reunion. It doesn’t happen.
Similar to the insecure text, you let your vulnerability get the best of you. With just the three little words “I miss you,” you have just broken all the effort you put into distancing yourself from that person. Or maybe you’re the type to write a soliloquy about how you’re sorry and want to try again. For the love of God, don’t press send. Do not even write the words out. Do not even think these dirty thoughts.
5. The Completely Illegible
You were so close. I’m sure you had a great thought. I’m sure you had something that needed to be sent at that exact moment. However, this vital information got intercepted by the 4 shots of tequila you had earlier. The only thing these cause are a couple laughs in the morning, some detective work trying to figure out what you were trying to say, and your friends mocking you by sending the same message over and over again in your group chats. Seriously what was I getting at when I sent “ r u postgame for?”
Whoever coined the phrase “drunk actions speak sober thoughts” must have never owned a cell phone or sent a drunk text. Because based on my experience, drunk texts are a much better expression of sober thoughts. .