The Fundamentals of Sexting

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The Fundamentals of Sexting

I used to be a big adversary of sexting. I live in fear of a jilted ex getting angry about my ruining his life or whatever and leaking phone camera shots of my tits to the entire world, so I never indulged. I’ve recently realized, sometimes it’s fun to get drunk and send a few pictures to someone, generally when you’re in need of an ego boost or when your bra is actually really cute. I won’t say I’m fully on board, but I get it. I just think there should be some rules regarding how the entire operation is run, because sometimes, this shit gets out of hand.

1. Nobody likes a dick pic.
The only time I want to see an erect penis is when I’m about to put it into one of the two available orifices of my body. I don’t care that you have a boner if you’re 3,000 miles away. Penises are not attractive. They’re weird to look at. As useful as they are, they are ugly, and it’s fucking awkward to receive an unsolicited picture of one of them. If I send you pictures of my boobs, just say thank you and give me validation (which is essentially all I wanted in the first place). Don’t go to your bathroom and snap a selfie in which you’re holding your junk. There is also no angle that makes a penis look attractive, and that includes all of you fucking weirdos who like to lie on your back and take a still shot of the tent you’re pitching. Nope. You’re not even close to turning me on with that.

2. There are three good angles to photograph yourself from, and none of them require a duck face.
Listen ladies, the mirror pic works, but to avoid looking like a crack whore, don’t make the duck face and angle your face downward. A slight (and I mean slight in a sort of sexy, suggestive way) smile does the trick. The glancing over the shoulder at the mirror while standing up is a good angle if you’re a big fan of whatever panties you’re wearing, and it’s also a good precursor to a full-on boob shot. If you’re really talented and you can pull of the lying down, bird’s eye view boob shot, go for it.

3. Dirty talk needs to be limited.
Once again, I’m generally just looking for validation if I’m sending you a picture of my boobs or if I just Instagrammed a mirror pic of my ass looking great in yoga pants with the caption “#finalsweek #nofucksleft” (theoretically, of course). Just tell me how hot I am and move on, there’s no need to write a Danielle Steele novel about the ways you want to touch me. It’s fucking creepy, it’s not sexy.

4. Emojis are NOT appropriate.
I’m sorry (not really), but if I send you a suggestive text, the only time it’s appropriate to respond with any type of emoji is if you’re my gay and I accidentally texted you something slutty. Sending emojis can be fun, but mostly, it reminds me of what it would be like to converse with a mute kindergartener, and I can’t think about children if I’m trying to get turned on. Unless you’re texting a post-mortem Michael Jackson, you need to curb the emoji use while sexting. During the daylight hours, it’s totally appropriate to have entire conversations with the gift of iPhone pictures, but during a sexting session –- NO. On the flipside, emojis are a great mood killer if some guy won’t leave you alone. Nothing quite halts the suggestion of anal like the wedding ring emoji…I’ve heard.

5. Recycling pictures happens.
It’s not really necessary to take a new picture every time you’re feeling down. Sometimes, it’s convenient to keep a good over the shoulder mirror shot in your arsenal for when you’re stumbling home from the bar and feel like baiting one of your gentleman callers. No, you obviously didn’t just take that, because you’re currently wearing an excuse for a dress and trying not to face plant. Either way, it gets the job done, and he probably won’t even question whether or not that picture is exactly recent.

6. Know when to call it quits.
A simple exchange is one thing, but overkill can lead to a tragic Amanda Bynes-esque scenario. It’s one thing to leak a suggestive and sort of cute picture of yourself, but it’s entirely another to overdo it and let the opportunity for the entire world to see your less than honorable moments. Literally, don’t be an idiot and go on a narcissistic spree of sending pictures of yourself to every guy, because he will forward them to his friends and you will regret it.

7. Double-check the recipient.
I know a girl who tried to send a picture to her boyfriend and almost sent them to her co-workers. Luckily, it was a half-face bird’s eye view boob shot, so the subject could have been contested, but it could have ended very, VERY badly. Long-distance summer relationships are all fun and games until your boss sees your boobs. Remember that.

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