The “Guys’ Girl” Is a Fake Bitch

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Nice Move

It’s common knowledge that you avoid the girl who says “I don’t really have a lot of girl friends” like the PLAGUE during recruitment. This girl is a red flag, crazy, awful bitch. She’s the girl that claims she doesn’t hang out with girls because they’re “too catty” or “too dramatic.” She attributes her lack of female friends to jealousy on the behalf of every girl she’s ever come in contact with throughout her life, when in reality, she’s actually an insufferable shrew who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I know, I know, I’m preaching to the choir: we LOVE our girlfriends, because we know how to have them. We’re the lucky girls who understand that our girlfriends are the most valuable weapon we’ll ever have in life, which is why we’re in sororities. I’m positive you can’t be a “guys’ girl” and actually get any type of enjoyment out of Greek life. I wish I could single-handedly rid the world of all girls who claim they get along better with guys than they do girls, but, turns out I can’t. I have obviously surrounded myself with tons of wonderful, fun, beautiful besties throughout my life, but somewhow, I always wind up a degree of separation away from one of these monsters at some point. How does this happen? Because this bitch always tricks some guy I’m friends with into dating her.

The “guys’ girl” claims all other girls are materialistic and fake…but she is the fakest of us all. She is the girl who insists she’s “chill” and “drama free.” Reality check: no girl is drama-free. I hold mandatory summit meetings in my room over what color to paint my nails, and that’s like, the least dramatic thing I do on a daily basis. I’ve always maintained that at least I’m up front and honest about my neediness/drama/craziness/self-centered mentality, whereas the “guys’ girl” is the one who spends her time convincing boys that she’s the rare find: a girl who doesn’t concern herself with drama at all. This girl is usually never in a sorority, because, duh, “she can’t deal with that many girls.” Whatever.

A notable aspect of the “guys’ girl” facade is that, while these girls claim to not be needy attention whores, everything they say and do is done in the attempt to make guys like them. They pretend to be laid back about relationships because they NEED a relationship. This would be a brilliant mind fuck, if it weren’t for the fact it’s beyond damaging. Could you imagine trying to pretend to be everything you’re not just to keep a boyfriend? I know I can’t. One time I tried to sit through an entire baseball game in an attempt to seem like a fun, willing date, but I just wound up getting wicked drunk in his family’s private box and telling him I didn’t care who scored a touchdown, I was just really bored and ready for the match to be over. Up until the vodka started flowing, it was exhausting. I can’t even imagine how much energy these girls exert into pretending to be interested in an entire sporting event, or even worse, pretending to be interested in the TV shows that happen after the sporting events. Why would any girl subject herself to this type of torture? Because she’s certain that if she doesn’t like EVERYTHING her boyfriend of the week likes, she will be doomed in the relationship sector forever.

The worst part of the “guys’ girl” is how quickly she’s willing to throw other girls under the bus for normal behavior. I’m 99% convinced the only reason guys refer to normal girls as “crazy” (besides them being absolute idiots) is because of “guys’ girls” reassuring them of this. No, it’s not weird that I can’t go into a bar bathroom alone, but it was totally weird and rude that the latest “guys’ girl” I encountered was such a bitch that she said “seriously? It’s like…right there. You don’t need someone to go with you.” Okay, the only reason I would invite girls on a bathroom trip were if I were extending an olive branch of some sort, as in, “hey, you’re dating my friend and even though we’d probably never be friends by choice, let’s try to forge some bond.” What did this girl do? She made some snide remark about how she thinks it’s weird for girls to always need an army to enter a bathroom with. Maybe if you had friends, you know the kind who wouldn’t be reported and kicked out of the establishment for entering a women’s restroom, you would feel differently.

A “guys’ girl” will also be the first girl to denounce her new boyfriend’s ex in an attempt to make herself seem like a saint by comparison. “I can’t BELIEVE she would call you 25 times in one night! I mean, you were totally in the right to not want to answer her even though you had plans. She sounds so clingy and awful,” even though the “guys girl” is secretly in awe of the girl who could be that up front about being pissed at her boyfriend/that drunk. “Oh my God, she got mad at you for being friends with that skanky girl you were shadily texting behind her back? Wow, no trust. No confidence.” – Sweetie, that’s not confidence you’re exuding, it’s stupidity. If you’re not a little possessive of your boyfriend…you don’t like him enough. You’re allowed to not like it if your boyfriend pays attention to other girls. Idiot.

The “guys’ girl” is impossible to be friends with because she, for some reason, thinks she’s above all other girls. She views her incessant need to please every male in her life as superiority to all other females, who actually admit they like being girly and drinking wine with their girlfriends while watching The Notebook. It’s awful to be faced with a scenario where you come in contact with her on a semi-regular basis, because try as you might to be nice to her, you just CAN’T make yourself like her.

Fortunately for you, neither could anyone else, and even though her current boyfriend might be temporarily jaded by her seemingly “perfect” outlook on life, he’ll grow savvy eventually. After all, look at Courtney and Ben from the bachelor. She denounced all of the other girls on the show to morph herself into everything she thought Ben wanted in a girlfriend, which worked out fine, until he got to know her.

So, “guys’ girls” everywhere, take notice: I am on to you, and I will ruin you one-by-one if I need to, because in reality, you don’t exist…you just like to pretend you do.

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