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The Horrifying Time My Roommate Caught Me Masturbating

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I had been going through a LONG dry spell when someone recommended that I try going at it alone. Solo sex. Flicking the bean. Masturbation. Whatever you call it, all of my friends insisted that it was amazing. Life-changing, even. Some of them even said it was better than regular sex because you know your body better than any guy. I’m definitely not against a little self-love, but for a long time, the idea of masturbating repulsed me because vaginas kinda freak me out. There’s a reason I’m not a lesbian and it’s not because I don’t think certain girls are hot. I just think vaginas are weird and gross. I literally had no idea what to expect down there, but as my sex drought grew longer I decided something had to be done.

When I finally decided that it was time, I knew I had to do some research. I had no idea where to start or what to do so I turned to where else but the filthy pages of Cosmo to teach me how to hit the slit.

I was finally ready for my date with Pamela Handerson and let me tell you, I was less than impressed. It’s probably just because I was too much in my own head about the whole situation but I literally could not get turned on knowing that it was my own appendage doing the job. Honestly, though, why is it so much less weird to touch someone else’s genitals than it is your own?

So after I had had enough of failing to do anything for myself I decided to go to the dirtiest place I know: the internet. I got some advice from columnists and random internet strangers on alternatives to the ol’ phalanges. Many of the recommendations I got were for vibrators and dildos, which TBH I don’t have the money for right now. But then one suggestion stood out among the rest. A money-saving/life-hacking/Pinterest-worthy DIY way to beat your beaver without having to touch it. JACKPOT!

Essentially what I was instructed to do was take a towel and roll/twist it to create hard-isn bulges to rub against. At first, I was not about it. I’m not even a fan of dry humping a human, why the fuck would I want to dry hump my towel?! I also felt like the thought of having sex with something that I use for non-sexual purposes on the daily would be kinda weird, and trust me, it was.

I eventually built up the courage to diddle my skittle with the help of my trusty Winnie the pooh beach towel. It was not a towel that I used every day so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of my dirty midnight romp with it every time I step out of the shower. A huge plus about this tactic is that you don’t actually have to be in the nude, which was convenient for me since my roomie was in the shower and should she come downstairs I would need to be able to act nonchalant and play it off. That would be a lot easier to do with pants on.

So I follow the instructions given to me by the trusty internet stranger and I went ahead and started doing my thang. It was kinda weird and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Nothing was hitting the right spot and I felt really awkward. I decided maybe I needed to adjust my makeshift towel dick. I fell forward with my face into my pillow, curved my back up towards the ceiling, and reached down towards the towel and start moving and shifting to find the spot where it felt… right.

At that exact moment when I was starting to get into it, I heard “whatcha doin?” from behind me. I turned my head that was buried in my pillow to see my roommate standing there with a huge smile on her face and her phone’s camera pointed directly at me. I instantly freaked out and tried to play it off, but there’s really no way you can play off humping your towel. She knew.

Apparently she had snuck back down from her shower ever so quietly (as opposed to the usual herd of elephants in ski boots) and caught me in the act. Luckily for me, she didn’t make it any more awkward than it had to be. She laughed and quickly demanded to know what the fuck I was doing with Winnie. I couldn’t hide my shame as I told her that I was trying to masturbate, but doing it with my own hand grossed me out so much that I turned to the internet to other ways, and thus discovered the towel dick trick.

She laughed for a good two minutes and then asked if I wanted to watch The Bachelorette. Yeah, because I can totally sit with you comfortably for two hours after you just walked in on my trying to do the nasty with a piece of cloth. I made her reassure me that no video of me humping a towel is anywhere on her phone or on Snapchat, and she promised me there wasn’t — she just wanted to freak me out. Gotta love roomies.

I think it’ll be awhile before I try polishing my pearl anytime soon. My first masturbation experience was anything but enjoyable, but I’m not taking it completely off the table. One thing’s for sure, I’m going to make sure no one is home when me and Winnie go at it again.

Image via ChameleonsEye / Shutterstock.com

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