The Natural Fears You Have When Meeting Your Boyfriend’s Parents


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Nice Move


Relationships are exhausting because there are so many requirements before you get the ring. Some of these prerequisites are playing hard to get, shaving for dates, have astrological signs that align with each other, give a few hand jobs here and there, and the ever famous and super unavoidable “meet the parents” phenomena. Movies and other rumors make you believe that once you’re in a relationship the parents of your significant other must absolutely adore you in order for things to work out. If they don’t like you, you’re kicked to the curb for the next loser to scoop you up and take you home to their mama. So what exactly does it take for your boyfriend’s parents to love you? Nobody knows. However, it’s pretty easy to make them hate you from the moment you first meet. How’s that? Let’s take a look.

When they judge your classiness:
The first time your boyfriend’s parents get a glimpse of you in real life where you can’t Photoshop yourself, you want to blow them away with your appearance. For your boyfriend you want to look like a sex goddess, but for his parents you want to look like a gorgeous nun who has never tongue kissed anyone in her life. So naturally you go shopping multiple times the week prior to the introduction. You buy clothes and hair products that make you look like a 40-year-old suburban mom who juices and drives her kids to soccer practices in a SUV.

As you glide towards your possible future in-laws, your glossy hair and appropriate sundress blowing in the gentle wind, you see the look on his parents’ faces judging you. You know they have seen pictures of you on social media (because yes, they do use it too) and they can see right through your good girl act. They know on the weekends you dress like Daisy Duck: a shirt with no pants because it’s long enough, in your opinion, to cover up your cooch and pull off as a dress, along with heels so high that you can’t run from a rapist. Strike one.

During dinner they ask if you want to order a drink, so you order a margarita because his mom did. Strike two. They don’t want their son dating a girl who thinks she’s “cultured” because she pulverizes her liver with another civilization’s popular alcoholic beverage. You don’t know Spanish, but you sure are familiar with tequila. It’s totally biased because his mom is allowed to order it, but when you do, you’re automatically perceived as an alcoholic slutbag who dances on tables as soon as an ounce of tequila touches your lips. You should’ve known to order water or wine instead, and to poke out your pinky finger if you wanted to seem classy in front of them.

And you strike out when your manners slip just one time. Your parents taught you to say “yes ma’am” and “no sir,” so of course the universe coordinates the one time you forget, and they now assume you were raised by white trash. Later, they catch you texting your mom and think you’re cheating on their son because they have no clue it’s only your own mother on the other end of the conversation. Either way, it’s rude to be on your phone, and they basically hate you now.

When they judge your personality:
There’s always that confusion about how much talking you should actually do. Should you keep your loud mouth closed just a little more than normal if you’re an extra outgoing chick? Or should you speak up more if you’re awkwardly quiet? If you come off too strong and talk too much they will be reminded of an obnoxious Taylor Swift song that makes you want to rip your ears off. If you don’t speak enough his parents will decide you’re hiding something or are physically incapable of speaking in a language known to man. If you say something about a waiter taking forever, they’re going to assume you’re in a rush because you feel entitled, you high maintenance bitch.

It should pretty much go without saying not to wear your favorite lipstick shade with an inappropriate name such as Orgasm or Underage. Why? Well picture this: his mom complements the lipstick and asks what it is. Your face turns bright red as you have to reveal your secret. She now thinks her son is dating a nymphomaniac. You want them to think you’re funny, so you try to crack a few jokes. Some of the jokes get his parents to chuckle a little, but it only takes one to fuck up your fake comedic act. No, they don’t care about the Kardashians or understand what “on fleek” means. As soon as you so much as mention things that only millennial kids can relate to, they tune you out and quit caring about your interests.

When they judge the way you treat your boyfriend:
This is by far the most important test. Even if the rest of your first encounter blows up in your face because of your own personality and actions, there is still a slight chance that you might possibly somewhat redeem yourself later on in life, even if it is 30 years down the road. But if you treat their son with the slightest disrespect in front of them, all hell is about to break loose. You can fuck up only so much, but treating their son wrong is the last straw. You’re doomed. Go ahead and wave bye-bye to him because it’s the last time you’ll see his big chocolaty eyes. In their minds, if you so much as jokingly insult his inability to keep his shoes tied, you’re a five-star bitch. Maybe untied boat shoes are the next big fashion trend and he’s ahead of the movement, so who are you to judge? If they think you are with him 24/7 and fight a lot (once or twice in reality), they’re going to declare you as needy, sensitive, and erratic. And if they hear you don’t cook for him every night or do his laundry, you’re basically not wifey material and he shouldn’t be wasting his time with you.

When they judge your background:
His parents are obviously going to want to soak up as much information about their baby boy’s gal pal as possible. For all you know they might even look for your AOL username, which bless your heart if they do. It’s highly unlikely, but still possible and incredibly embarrassing. They are going to ask you very personal questions such as, “What’s your major? Minor? Where are you from? Do you use hard drugs? Have you ever been arrested? What are your thoughts on Trump?” And if you don’t answer the way they want you to, you’re not just wrong for your boyfriend, you’re also living your life wrong. It’s unnerving to hear their opposing opinions on your answers. If you grew up in a small town and they’re from the city, obviously that means you grew up in the stockyards and started drinking cheap beer when you were twelve. Sports might be a big part of their lifestyle, but not yours. You might not even know the major difference between the Red Sox and Redskins. Sweating because you’ve been flinging around balls or watching other people hustle after balls has just never been appealing to you. So of course that makes you a bore to them. If you aren’t positive about what you want to do once you graduate, chances are they think you are only using your parents’ money to get your MRS degree and will then continue using someone else as an ATM machine. In this case, you’re at college to use their son.

But don’t feel threatened. There’s still a 50/50 chance your beau still loves you… hopefully.

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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