The Starting Line Up Of Guys On Your Hookup Roster


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Nice Move


So you’re making a dent in a twelve-pack of Bud Light Platinums on a casual Wednesday night. You’re tipsy and hovering on the verge of “not drunk.” You don’t feel like going full-blown out, but you’re also bored of listening to your roommates complain about who they think that next semester’s exec board will be comprised of. You’re in the midst of an internal debate on which lucky dude you’re going to hit with a ‘you up?’ text. Since you’re flossy AF, you obviously have a few options regarding the male company you may or may not be seeking for the evening. Every girl has a roster of some sort, even if she doesn’t realize it.

More often than not, here is what your starting lineup is comprised of:

The Ex

Position: First String
Strengths: Whether this guy is your first love or the guy who took you on your first fraternity formal, there’s just something about him. You two had a lot of good times together, which makes him both comfortable and predictable. Comfort also comes hand in hand with history, another bonus since he knows what you like. From back tickles to pizza toppings and which shack shirts you’ll want to “borrow,” The Ex knows you (and your body) like your childhood twin bed.
Weaknesses: Don’t forget, there’s a reason the two of you parted ways in the first place. Maybe he threw up in the cooler you made him for formal or he hooked up with your second cousin. Hitting up The Ex is a little like eating something that expired yesterday. Yeah, it will probably be fine and you’ll live on unscathed, but there’s always a chance that something will go awry and you’ll end up with food poisoning- or sending thirty-six texts at 1am. Whatever.
Odds: 70/30 chance of re-developing feelings. Proceed with caution.

The Fuck Boy

Position: Starter
Strengths: You love to hate him. The Fuck Boy is the guy you text, and then immediately erase all evidence so that your friends don’t yell at you. He can be a doll when he feels like it, and he’s had what feels like a lifetime to perfect his game. He’ll offer to come pick you up, and will hold your hand as you walk home together, making you wonder if he’s finally *crosses fingers* changed his ways.
Weaknesses: The Fuck Boy’s main goal during undergrad is to be blackout drunk as often as possible with his squad. He will Facebook message you at four in the morning to come cuddle, but when you wake up the next morning, the sweetheart from the night before is nowhere to be found. He might initiate morning sex or a pre-breakfast beej, but there’s no way he’s going to be seeing you home. He has an important smoke session and Trailer Park Boys marathon to tend to with his bros. He also wants his sweatshirt back.
Odds: 90/10 you’ll be pissed off at him all the way up until he texts you again.

The Fuck Buddy

Position: First String
Strengths: The sexual chemistry you have with this guy is on point. You might not be attracted to him beyond physically, and it’s really best this way. The Fuck Buddy is the dude you can count on when you want to get laid sans pillow talk. He’s nice, but not overly so, and he’s cool in general, he just isn’t really your type.
Weaknesses: There’s something a little bit off about The Fuck Buddy. Maybe he thinks that America was founded in 1876, or he’s constantly biting his nails. He might even have blonde hair or be shorter than the dudes you usually go for. Whatever it is, it makes looking at him as anything other than a casual hookup basically impossible. He’s convenient and easy, but nothing to write home about.
Odds: 50/50 you’ll get bored of him within a month.

Good On Paper

Position: Second String
Strengths: Good on Paper is cute, funny, sweet, and smart. He’ll always respond to your texts, and you know you’ll be on the receiving end of at least three compliments when the two of you are together. If, by some miracle, you end up at his house, he is definitely going to walk you home the next morning. He is the one who if you’re thirty and still unwed, you might hit with a ‘U single?’ text and then head to the altar.
Weaknesses: This guy is perfect, except that he isn’t. You’re constantly trying to convince yourself to like him, because what’s not to like? He’s cute, funny, sweet, and smart. The only thing missing is the only thing that actually matters- the spark. Good on Paper makes you feel guilty sometimes, because you know that if both he and The Fuck Boy text you, you’ll be waking up to the smell of stale weed and Drakkar Noir, not ham and eggs.
Odds: 80/20 you’ll use Good on Paper to make The Fuck Boy jealous. More than once.

A native Seattleite and self-proclaimed Snapchat queen, she's been a coffee addict since she found out what a coffee bean was. Believer in and promoter of the #freeguac and #freegucci movements. She is obsessed with all things Harry Potter and has been known to stop people at parties to tell them how to remove the wine from their clothes. In her spare time, she enjoys baking, writing for TSM, and pretending like she has her act together. Hit her up @

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