The Worst Move A Wingman Can Make

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Nice Move

The last time I went home to visit my family, something I’d long-anticipated but was not quite ready for finally occurred. My 11-year-old brother (that’s fifth grade, if you’re curious) measured in at 5’2” making him officially taller than I am. I knew this day would come. He is a boy, after all. He’d obviously surpass me in height eventually, but I assumed it would be a little later in life. I came to the harsh realization that I am literally smaller than a child in elementary school. Throughout the remainder of my days at home, I was heckled about my height by a person twelve years my junior. Needless to say, I have total midget status (which I hear is an offensive term, but it’s never bothered me).

I’ve actually never really minded being vertically challenged. I was always first or second when we lined up in elementary school, and I just decided somewhere along the way that I liked it better that way. I liked being in the front of the line, and I liked being in the front of big group pictures. (From bid day, to graduation day and beyond, I’ve been using, perfecting, and developing a profound adoration for the sorority squat). Besides, I don’t think there’s anything better than feeling like you’re so tiny next to the guy you’re talking to/dating/making out with at a party and never speaking to again. I’ve never for one second wished I was any taller. I love being little.

There are only two problems I’ve encountered with my height. The first is that I’ll never be “sexy.” The closest I get to sexy is adorable with nice tits. “Adorable” got slightly annoying once I got older than six, but I’ve made it work. The second and wayyyyy more crippling misfortune: short guys. Unlike anything about them, this issue is huge.

I understand why short guys flock to short girls, I really do, but the fact that they can’t go for someone else, doesn’t mean I can’t. In fact, I would never date a short guy. Really, I’d prefer a guy to be at least 6 feet tall. I’m aware how unfair that is to tall girls, but I don’t care. I do feel slightly guilty for turning them down, but if you’re cool and confident, you can still pull. I’ve seen it done, just not with me.

The other night, my friends and I were approached by a group of big, hot, Australian – that’s right, AUSTRALIAN – rugby players. I could hardly contain my excitement, until the group of men I had to look up to see parted, and through them emerged their one little guy. He couldn’t have been more than three inches taller than I am in flats (which I was wearing- rookie mistake). I know how it works with a gorgeous group of guys with one short friend. I’d been here before. In their eyes, I was his for the night, and there was no changing that. I swallowed my disappointment, fully aware that I would not have an Australian faux boyfriend for the next six months until they went back home, and tried to make the best of my situation.

He ended up being a cool, funny, attentive, (and did I mention Australian?) lawyer. If he’d been taller, I probably would have just married him on the spot. If I’d gotten drunker, it’s possible I would have given him my real number at the end of the night in hopes of friendship, but I noticed more closely and more soberly than ever before a really weird thing guys do that MUST be stopped. In an attempt to “help” their friend out, almost his entire team came up to me at one point or another to tell me what a great guy I had the pleasure of talking to for the evening:

“This dude is the smartest person I know.”
“I’ve known this guy my whole life, he’s one of my best mates (you know, Australians).”
“Oh man, this guy’s so funny! Isn’t he funny?”
“Did he tell you he’s a lawyer?”
“He may be small, but he has a big dick.”

I’m going to let that last one sink in for a second.

What in any guy’s mind could possibly make him think that if they speak on a friend’s behalf, it will make girls like him more? This actually happens all the time, and always detracts from my attraction to a guy, but this situation was excessive. I feel the need to explain why this doesn’t, and will never, help you to get a friend laid.

First of all, I think it’s wonderful that you think your friend is a good person, but more than that, I think it would be weird if you didn’t think your friend was a good person. Your opinion is the last one I trust on a guy’s character. I would speak positively about my most spoiled, high-maintenance, judgey frenemy. It doesn’t for one second make the things I say about her true. If you like a person, you just overlook all the shitty things about them. Even if you’re aware of their flaws, when you care about a person, you only talk shit to the people who already know them.

The second issue with singing your friend’s praises to the girl he’s currently chatting up, is that it makes her feel like you think she’s a slut. You might think that. It’s still a bad idea to draw attention to the fact that you’re perceiving her that way. You’re sending the message that you think she just needs some verbal convincing and she’ll be in your friend’s bed. Plus, it gives off the vibe like you’re all high-fiving behind her back about getting some action. It’s so schemey, and it’s so obvious.

Above all, though, the worst thing about this weird “selling” your friend phenomenon, is that it tells us that the guy we’re talking to needs to be “sold” to us. If a girl is talking to a guy for long enough for his friends to start “helping him out,” it’s long enough that she’s there by her own accord. The fact that she hasn’t dipped by now should be indication enough that the gentleman’s got it in the bag. If instead, his wingmen assume he can’t possibly close on his own, that’s a giant red flag. It’s a red flag that, in many situations, might have gone unnoticed if it weren’t being waved in our faces. Guys only assume one of their own needs “help” if he normally has trouble with women, which in our eyes means there’s something wrong with him. When you say, “He’s such a great guy…” we still hear the part you left off: “…but he’s totally undesirable to women, so please throw him a pity bone.” If no one else wants him, neither do we. If we weren’t already aware that he is blatantly lacking, we are now.

So this message goes out not only to short guys, but to men of all stature. Stop talking your friends up, stop speaking on their behalf, and stop thinking your drunken sweet nothings are any more effective than his. If you want to help your friend pull, the best thing you can do is shut the fuck up.

***


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hot piece of TSM

Hot Piece (@VeronicaGrandex) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Hot Piece has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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  1. 44
    Plan B is Plan A

    The reason a wingman will talk up his friend to a potential lay is because it works. Why does it work? Because women are gullible and they will believe almost anything we tell them.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago