Things You Shouldn’t Do With Your College Boyfriend: Sign A Lease


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Nice Move


Read also: Things You Shouldn’t Do With Your College Boyfriend: Move In Together and Things You Shouldn’t Do With Your College Boyfriend: Make A Big Purchase

“So, do you have any questions?” Patrick, the leasing agent asked as he looked up from his computer with a gleaming, give-me-your-money smile.

“No, I think we’re good,” Michael said, as he gathered the papers and started getting out of his chair.

“I’ll send you the application documents,” Patrick continued, clicking a few buttons on his desktop. “And once you get approved, we’ll be in bus-in-ess,” he finished with one last flourish of his mouse.

She opened her mouth to ask whether or not she could request an accent wall in the living room but Michael was already out of his seat, heading past the free coffee bar so she made a mental note to email Patrick her color scheme later.

Her boyfriend of two-plus years opened the door for her as they walked outside into the warm, spring air.

“Sooooo, what did you think?” she asked as they headed to her white Range Rover.

“I think…” Michael stalled, opening the passenger side door and letting her in. “Hold on,” he teased, as he closed the door and walked around the front of the car, tossing the keys (his set, upon her insistence) in the air. He slid into the driver’s seat and gripped the cheetah print covered steering wheel.

He turned the key in the ignition and rubbed his hands against the (faux) fur. He could feel her eyes on him as he stalled. She could tell it was serious by the way he turned off the stereo she had specially installed and reached over to grab her well-manicured hands.

“Well,” he started, gearing up for an awkward conversation.


Her “keys” text tone interrupted the almost-tense moment in the car.

She reached into her Michael Kors, a half-birthday gift from last year, and grabbed her rose gold iPhone to see a text message from her best friend Alex.

“Awww! Alex just texted me! She asked if we signed the lease already,” she squealed, her fingers already moving over her phone so fast that he wondered how she had that much to say. “HIIIII! Hope it’s going well! Did you sign your life over yet lolllll??! Can’t wait for the house opening partayyyy,” she read aloud. “God she’s so fucking cute I could just kill her.”

She could not believe that in a few short months, she would finally be living with her one true love. Well, you know. Her one true love after her last one true love made out with her pledge sister and dumped her. She closed out of iMessage and opened her email, wanting to send Patrick a follow-up email and ask him whether or not a service elevator would be available for her movers.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that babe,” Michael started, putting the car in reverse and trying to watch her from the corner of his eye. “So I was thinking –”

“OH MY GOD!” She screeched, cutting him off. “Patrick just sent me the application!”

Michael’s heart hammered. His parents had warned him that signing a lease together could get tricky if something happened. And going into his senior year filled with frat parties, job offers, and date functions he wasn’t sure if basically getting married was the best idea. He said nothing and continued staring straight ahead, mentally planning how to best approach this.

“Bay-beeee!” She screeched, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. “Let’s go get a bottle of wine, signs these papers, and celebrate,” she proclaimed, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“Yeah hey,” he started, pulling into the parking lot of his fraternity house and shutting off the engine. “I wanted to talk to you about that. I’m not 100% sure if we should both be on the lease, you know?” He watched as the light started to fade from her eyes and her fingers slowly untwined with his.

“What do you mean, we shouldn’t both be on the lease?” She started feeling the anger start to swell inside of her. What the fuck was this? Scenes from Sex and the City raced in her head, as she remembered in the movie how Carrie was faced with this very problem. “Are you not…serious about me?” she finished, feeling the tears prick her eyes as she gazed out the window, unable to make eye contact with him.

“No, no baby!” he started, already regretting this conversation. “It’s just that, I don’t know. That seems like a lot. And in case something happens it would be easier for us, you know?” The moment the words left his mouth, he knew he made a mistake. He watched her face switch from confused to sad to furious.

How. The fuck. Could he be so rude? She wondered as she stared at his face in disbelief. They had it all planned out! The 900 square foot apartment! The king size bed! The year of living together and the Tiffany’s box by spring. She looked at him as he gazed longingly out the window at a few of his brothers throwing a football and drinking some carb-filled beers. She knew he had a point, of course. But at the same time, she wanted him to be in a lease with her. Call her crazy (but not really, because fuck you), but she wanted a little commitment from him. I mean, hello? They were seniors after all.

She took a deep breath and turned towards him, ready to lock this bitch down.

“While I get what you’re saying, Michael,” she started, locking a steely gaze upon him. “I can’t believe you’re doing this now. We discussed everything. You said you wanted to live with me. And honestly it’s just like, really fucking rude. If we don’t sign a lease together, I’m not living with you,” she stated, watching a look of apprehension fall across his face.

“And if we don’t live together,” she continued, ready to put him in his fucking place. “Then we’re not going to be together anymore,” she finished. And as she pulled the handle of her car open, and slammed the door shut again behind her, she saw the shocked look on his face and she knew she had him exactly where she wanted him.

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(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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