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This Guy Can Get Drunk Off Carbs And We’re Beyond Jealous

Drunk on carbs

You know what one of my favorite things is? Getting completely trashed and then sitting down for a classy, Taco Bell dinner at 2 a.m. Something about the “cheesy fiesta potatoes” soaking up the vodka and bad decisions in my system makes for a damn good night. The only problem I really have with this whole situation is the fact that I have to do these two things separately. Actually, the fact that I have to drink alcohol to get tipsy is annoying to me. I much enjoy the loose feeling alcohol gives me, but I don’t really like the taste. I mean, gin? Ew. Tequila? FUCK no. Vodka? Eh. Whatever. I’d love to live in a world where instead of alcohol, I could get drunk off of junk food. Instead of “white girl wasted” it would be “white pasta sauce wasted,” and it would glorious.

Nick Hess, apparently, can get drunk off of carbs. Because life isn’t fair.

According to The Mirror, it all started when Nick would act like a drunk bastard in the evenings. His wife, Karen, told ABC News that, “We would be watching television … and by the end of the evening, he would start to be confused, and he would start slurring. And he did smell like he had alcohol on his breath.”

The thing is, he wasn’t even drinking booze. He would come home, eat dinner, relax, and by the end of the night he was drunk out of his mind. So, naturally, like any untrusting partner, his wife went through his shit. To her shock, however, she didn’t find any alcohol hidden anywhere. So how the hell was he getting plastered without drinking? According to article, “Despite having countless hospital tests, including three colonoscopies and three endoscopes, the condition was only diagnosed after he was fed a carb heavy meal. His blood alcohol level shoot up to 120 milligrams per 100 milliliters of blood – the same as having seven shots of whiskey.”

Uh, wait what? This guy literally got schwasted off of carbs. Sure, sure, it sucked for him, and now he’s on a low-carb diet, buuuuut like, where can I sign up? I mean, imagine, instead of wasting calories on alcohol and drunk food, you could eat some pizza and BAM! You’re drunk texting your ex like the boss ass bitch that you are. Until we find a way to pull a Nick Hess and get drunk off of food, we’ll just have to shoot back some vodka and dream of a life were can get get:

Drunk on donuts.
Wasted on waffles.
Plastered on pizza.
Blacked out on bacon.
Trashed on Twizzlers.
Browned out on brownies.
Schwasted on snickerdoodles.
Hammered on hamburgers.
Faded on French Fries
Turnt up on tater tots.

[via The Mirror]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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