We have reason to believe that the sender of this mail is American author, former co-host of The View and former White House Director Of Communications Nicolle Wallace (born Nicolle Devenish). We can’t confirm this but we do know that Wallace was a student at UC Berkeley during the time this note (which I keep accidentally calling an email) was sent, and that not many people spell the name “Nicolle” with two Ls.
Do with that information what you will.
This morning we received possibly the greatest correspondence between a sorority and a fraternity I’ve read to date. It was found in Phi Kappa Tau’s archives at UC Berkeley, dated April 1, 1993, and sent directly to Total Frat Move. On official Pi Beta Phi letterhead, a member (I’m guessing the president or board member) of the sorority reached out to “Rod,” (likely the president or board member of the fraternity), to let him know the relations between the two houses were in danger, because of, well, because of their penises.
I am writing to inform you of an issue that has recently become a source of great stress among the sisters of Pi Phi. I have been receiving an enormous amount of complaints from girls whose rooms face the north side of your house. I have tried to call you about this, but have hung up before speaking to you because I was afraid that my emotions would cause me to be brutally frank. The issue to which I am reffering is the flagrant exposure of your members vulgar manhood. Although this problem has been a long and hard one to swallow with our Chi Psi neighbors, it seems that it will be much shorter on your end. As disgustingly as your house has displayed itself, I am willing to deal with this between the two of us. I would rather cover this up than further expose it in away that might be threatening to people like Mark Gelsinger. Please call me so that we can keep up our houses relationship.
This is incredible. Poor Nicolle is so distraught by the sight of these “vulgar manhoods” that she can’t even get the words out. For us, of course, we’d just text a quick “WTF, put your dicks away,” but this was a simpler time, and called for a long, formal letter with tons of misspellings.
But the passive aggression is real. “Although this problem has been a long and hard one to swallow with our Chi Psi neighbors, it seems that it will be much shorter on your end.” That’s 1993 for “We don’t mind looking at your rival fraternity’s giant dicks, but please put your tiny ones TF away.” Also, shoutout to Mark Gelsinger. Sorry about your penis?
The from Phi Tau is the only thing that could possibly make this even better.
It has come to my attention that some women of Pi Beta Phi have expressed concern over the exhibitionism displayed by the men of Phi Kappa Tau. We understand full well the fright — and excitement — you must feel after viewing the sheer size of our “vulgar manhood,” a distinction in which we take just pride.
However, we must keep in mind that our house is not the only one at fault. In the past few months I have noticed an increasing degree of involvement by the women of your sorority. It began with innocent notes posted on your windows and progressed to large lipstick kisses planted on the third-floor windows of our house. We can only marvel at the climbing skills of your women; scaling three floors of sheer stucco to leave marks of their undying affection truly melted the hearts of the Phi Tau men.
Last night, however, marked a turning point in your pursuit of the men next door. Women’s undergarments and lingerie hung from your windows, and we could not help but notice the large posterboard “WE WANT YOU NOW!” sign facing our house. Sunbathing activity on the balcony on the south side of your house seemed to be especially heave that day, and coupled with the fact that none of the twenty-seven women on that balcony wore a shred of clothing leads us to believe that the entire population of Pi Beta Phi would like nothing better than to fuck us dry.
Although we feel that you may not be able to contain yourselves, the men of Phi Kappa Tau would like to offer any assistance necessary in order to maintain good relations between our houses. We deeply appreciate your concern for our well-being.
And that, my friends, is 1993 speak for the titillating, yet infuriating fuckboy mating call: the “You love it” text message.