This Is Your Brain On Lulu

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This Is Your Brain On Lulu

It’s the morning afternoon after a mixer. What exactly happened last night? It’s all a little hazy. Your roommates remind you of the blonde Greek god they had to pull you off of and you decide that must be who “Aaron (insert Greek letters here)” is. After quickly searching composites and a short session on Facebook, you locate the guy from last night. You go to click on his profile pictures, but it’s set to private. Shit. Who does that? Fuck you, future employers. Naturally, you pick up your iPhone and do the next best thing: check Lulu.

Thanks to all your mutual friends, your man pops up immediately when you type his name into the genius app. You click on the link, and – are you kidding me?! 374 views? Okay, maybe this isn’t that bad. Lulu tracks total views, not views per individual, so this could still be the work of one crazy ex-girlfriend. One of your exes is currently at 500 views, thanks to the 499 times you checked to make sure he wasn’t sleeping with anyone new before you were. This can still be salvaged.

You’re momentarily distracted by his profile picture. Your future children would look so cute with his green eyes and your blonde hair and – okay, that’s enough. Stop staring at those beautiful, emerald green – okay, seriously this time. Enough. Bite the bullet and check his score. 6.7? Your stomach knots up. Surely not. This could still be the work of the crazy ex, right? Let’s just see how many reviews – holy shit. You may have only passed statistics because you already had all the exams, but you know a big sample size when you see one.

You click on the most recent review. 72 hours ago. SHIT. By an ex-hookup. SHIIIIIIIT. You should have probably realized this guy was a player, but his all-time high score of “4” in the commitment category seals the deal. Your anxiety turns into anger. Who does this guy think he is? Time to explore the hashtags. #GoneByMorning? No surprise there. #7thYearSenior? Well at least you know he’s not a freshman. #BigFeet. This one seems promising…but, no. You’re thanking the Lulu gods for watching over you and saving you an embarrassing trip to student health.

Twenty-four hours later, you wake up in a strange room and look over to find yourself next to Aaron. You quickly slip out of bed, steal a shack shirt, and call a pledge ride. You smirk to yourself as you hop in the pledge’s car. You immediately pull out your iPhone to add #SixPack, #KissableLips, and #SexualPanther to his review. What can you say? Girls will be girls.

***


RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com

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