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Thoughts I Have Whenever This Idiot I Sleep With Tries To Ruin My Shower By Joining Me

Thoughts I Have Whenever This Idiot I Sleep With Tries To Ruin My Shower By Joining Me

  1. Oh, wow, showering together. How sexy. Probably. For seemingly everyone but me. I absolutely don’t want to do this.
  2. No, it’s fine. I don’t need to get clean today. I just recently showered last week. Please, come on in! The water’s fine!
  3. You know. When there’s only one person under it. Together, it will actually be an awkward internal battle of who enjoys the warm, blanket-y protection of this steam-stream, and who is left out to freeze and die of hypothermia, Jack Dawson style.
  4. It’s crazy, because normally I spend an hour and a half perfecting my “look” so that I may attract you. But please enjoy this vision of me with my hair matted to my head, and black tears streaming down my face.
  5. What now? I guess we start fucking, huh? Super.
  6. Get on with it. I’m not bent over with my hands on my knee like a baseball catcher and/or someone who’s about to hurl because I think it’s comfortable. Let’s do the sex thing and be done with it.
  7. A different position? Are you fucking insane? How the fuck do you think I’m supposed to balance on a wet, slippery surface with one leg in the air? We can’t even accurately do standing sex when we aren’t living in fear of a concussion. You are a foot taller than me. Your penis is even with my bellybutton good sir.
  8. FUCK no, you’re not about to try to pick me up. I had Panera Bread for lunch today, and also every day this week, and also, I’m just kind of fat, and you’re not as strong as I pretend to think you are for your ego.
  9. Oh, a blow job! Thank you for suggesting this. I don’t hate this enough when I’m in the comfort of my bed without soap and shampoo dripping their way into my eyes and mouth. And not being able to balance makes it even more exciting!
  10. Sure, go down on me while I’m standing up. The female orgasm is something from the land of make believe anyway. Let’s just keep pretending this is fun for anyone.
  11. Wonderful. We can wash each other. Can’t wait to see your attempt to wash my hair and what’s more, the look on your face when you realize how of my hair falls out every time I touch it. How am I not bald, tbqh, lmk.
  12. Do you really fucking have THREE in one shampoo, conditioner, and body wash? What the fuck, man. Why? How am I supposed to wash my chuckalina with conditioner, pray tell?
  13. How is it possible that water makes you dryer? How? HOW? Why does this not serve as a lubricant, I will never, ever understand.
  14. Nooo, don’t get out now and finally allow me to actually shower, just because you are done, because you’re a man and your shower only takes three minutes.
  15. Byyyeeee. Miss you already.
  16. At least I don’t have to lay here, motionless, waiting for you to get me a towel, because you’ve gifted me with the disgusting bodily fluid that comes from your body. That’s nice.
  17. Did you just deign to ask me what I was still doing in here? All the shit I couldn’t do while you were in here with me, fool. Like craning my neck to try to shave my vagina in a position that is unbecoming of a lady. FOR YOU.
  18. Well, that was a trip. Let’s do it again never.

Image via Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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