This is it. This is the final straw. The football player is a douchebag, the baseball player got back with his ex, and it’s finally happened: the lacrosse player left you for his precious stick. You swear up and down that athletes are awful humans and that you’re never going to get with another. Ah, but we’re talking athletes of the upper echelon of sports — the money makers so to speak. What about the other sports teams lurking around your campus? The ones without the ego of the D1 football player who just saw himself on national television. Here’s the pros and cons of some of the more elusive sports on a collegiate campus, ranked by hotness.
#4: Men’s Volleyball
A beach favorite, volleyball players are usually lanky and tall with great arms from spiking that ball all day. Don’t be tricked — only Division volleyball is hot. Chad on the frat intramural volleyball team isn’t that sexy when he’s jumping around wearing that god awful bucket hat. It’s actually a really intense, fast-paced game that’s not that boring. Plus, it’s really clear when someone scores a point, unlike in football.
Pros: Indoor matches! Yay! No more melting your makeup off in 90 degree weather! It’s also a lot of fun to bring him on spring break when he sets up a game of beach volleyball.
Cons: He probably has pale skin from training and playing exclusively indoors and chicken legs from not having to run laps or work their legs out. Sorry, you know it’s true.
The classy European version of football. This a sport similar to football with a dash of soccer mixed in. Great if you’re into big dudes, because in order to literally not die on the field, you need to have some amount of muscle.
Pros: The build of a football player without the cockiness or pads! You can easily spot him and his great hair on the field without that big ass helmet that you know, protects his brain.
Cons: Remember how I said no pads? Yeah, maybe there’s a reason why… rugby is rough as FUCK. You know the part in football where they all pile on each other and the ref comes and breaks it up? Rugby is like that… except no one comes. They just pile on each other until someone breaks free. Oh, did I mention they wear short shorts?
For those who are oh so refined, golf boys are where it’s at. They play at country clubs. That should be all the convincing you need. Do I dare say more? His uniform is gorgeous: a crisp polo tucked into pressed khakis with a little matching belt. Cue the preppy swoon.
Pros: He dresses impeccably, probably has a killer country club back home and usually has great connections because Daddy has been making him golf since he was six.
Cons: It’s boring. Like, really fucking boring. You can’t even pregame the match or else you risk drunk you screaming “FUCK IT UP, AUSTIN!!!! YOU’RE NUMBER ONE!!” You also don’t need to be jacked as hell to play golf, so a hottie could come without a body.
You know, the rowers in the boats? By the way, they don’t have races, they have regattas. God, how trashy are you that you didn’t know that? It totally justifies buying a new Lilly item in “You Gotta Regatta”, because you’ll literally be at a fucking regatta. The endurance of a runner meets the jacked body of a lacrosse player combined equals a crew boy.
Pros: Tall guys do better in this sport because they have longer arms, and who doesn’t love a tall guy? You would think they would have gross skinny legs from sitting but surprise! There’s a weird-ass chain thing they push with their feet (I don’t know, ask one of them — it’ll be your icebreaker). And you just know he went to a gorgeous ivy-covered private school because what public school has a fucking crew team?
Cons: The unitard they wear is similar to a wrestling one. Just hug him quickly after his race — sorry, regatta — and don’t look down. Also, no morning sex, these poor bastards are up at the asscrack of dawn going down to their boathouse to sit at a rowing machine for 3+ hours.
Take a quick look at your school’s athletics page and see if one of these elusive teams has graced your campus. Or, try to convince that lacrosse player you’re soooooo much better than his new stick. .
Image via Youtube