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What Every Slut Needs To Carry In Her Bag Before Going Out

Slut Bag

It’s the classic Saturday morning. You’re trudging home in stolen boxers, your heels in hand, and your dignity left behind with JimmyJohnny, Jason. As you do your routine walk-of-shame home with last night’s tequila, and this morning’s love juices still in your body, you wish you would have thought ahead. Maybe brought along a toothbrush. Some underwear. Anything that would make you feel a little less like a walking piece of sex.

It’s the smart girl’s life-saver. The slut’s (calm down with the word. It’s fine) PIC. The thing that can transform your shameful strut into a not-completely-embarrassing experience. The Slut Bag.

THE BAG

A proper Slut Bag can be of any shape and size but must have two crucial components: pockets and a cross body strap. You don’t want to actually CARRY your bag with all of your treasures. That’s bad for your back and is going to be a nightmare if/when you’re hungover. The pockets are necessary for keeping all of your accouterments tucked away and hidden from prying eyes because you’re a LADY, and it’s none of their business.


FOR YOUR FACE/HAIR

  • Pocket sized makeup wipes.
    For wiping the night off of you the next morning and also taking care of anything you’ve sweated into a runny mess from dancing.
  • Travel sized mascara.
    Wanna look more awake than you are because you left your sunglasses on your counter? Thought so.
  • A tube of concealer.
    Let’s be real, it’s just good sense.
  • A pink tinted lip balm.
    Good for swollen, “I’ve been making out like a teenager in a movie theater” lips. It can also double as blush.

That is honestly all you need. Those girls who have fucking lip liner and body glitter in their bags are annoying, hog the mirrors, and also are just asking to have a damn glitter graveyard all over the bottom of their purse. The four things mentioned above will take you from one of the members of The Hills Have Eyes to brunch ready in five minutes. For your hair all you need is some bobby pins and a hair tie. Thank God the messy bun is totally “in” right now. But even if it wasn’t, you’d be too hungover to care.


FOR THE BODY

  • A tiny deodorant.
    Don’t think you stink? You’re wrong.
  • A tiny toothbrush.
    Again. You have morning/after bar breath. Everyone has toothpaste that you can jack, just not a toothbrush. I mean, sure. They have one. But some guys get weirded out by a random girl using their personal mouth brush. Just, BYOB, okay?


MISCELLANEOUS SLUT THINGS

  • Condoms.
    Do not be that girl. He’s going to try and not wrap it up and you’ll be ready. And for good measure carry a regular and a Magnum. I once had a guy be all “Sorry babe that won’t fit,” thinking that I would be like “Damn! Let’s just bareback it.” But LOL. I was ready. He was disappointed. Be a boy scout. Be prepared.
  • A pair of panties.
    Self-explanatory. Are you really going to want to hike all the way back to your apartment when you’ve already taken care of your face and your bod and you could just head towards a Bloody Mary and a fried egg sandwich? No. No you’re not. This way you can stash the others in the purse until brunch is over and you’re fresh as a daisy.
  • A hidden twenty.
    You will lose your debit card or wallet when you least expect it. You don’t want to be completely stranded and helpless outside of an apartment you’ve never seen before. Hide a little bit of cash in there so you can get your ass home. If you’re going to be a slut you need to take care of yourself.
  • A phone charger.
    Invest in a portable charger so even if he has a Droid because “Fuck Apple!!” You can charge your pretty gold iPhone and all hope is not lost.


Of course we never plan to end up one-night-standing it (lies), but hey, you never know where a Friday will take you. Sometimes you’re classy and sip $12 glasses of pinot noir, sometimes you’re downing half-priced Fireball shots and teaching the bartenders how to turn a bottle of Southern Comfort into a Molotov Cocktail. Shit happens. Having a Slut Bag is a just the lesson that no one learned in Girl Scouts about being ready for anything. But you’re awesome, you know it’s 2015, and you should take care of yourself, so now you have one.

Plus it makes you everyone’s favorite in a girl’s bathroom. Seriously. I’ve been called Mary Poppins on more than one occasion because I had exactly what someone needed. Just don’t share the Magnum. That’s your trick. Besides, he like, really needs it. Cue: eye roll.

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Kendra Syrdal

The closest Kendra ever went to going Greek was always hitting up Pita Pit on her way home from the bars. But she thanks the sisterhood of DG for always letting her crash taco night and helping her find her way out of that frat party where a guy got stabbed with a samurai sword. Contact her at kendrasyrdal.com for sex toy suggestions and general sass.

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