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What I Assume My Manicurist Is Saying About Me To The Other Manicurists

What I Assume My Manicurist Is Saying About Me To The Other Manicurists

I love getting my nails done, but hate when the manicurists talk in front of me in some language I don’t understand worth shit. And obviously I can’t read their nonverbals because they are hard at work on my hands or feet. It’s a series of mixed feelings. You’re trying to de-stress, but they’re saying things that make you stress. They might not actually be talking trash, but that’s what most of us assume. Some things they are probably saying are as follows:

1. “Those are totally walk-of-shame eye circles. Slut.”
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that getting your nails done after a night of raging is heavenly, especially if you’re still drunk when you wake up at noon. Unfortunately, walking into a nail salon with breakfast taco breath while looking like The Joker in a fraternity shack shirt calls for instant judgment. The manicurists can’t help but make fun of you.

2. “Her toes resemble beef jerky.”
Toes are gross. They absolutely freak me the fuck out. The ONLY cute part about them is the nail polish color you choose. Besides that, let’s be honest, all feet look like a shit storm destroyed them after you reach the third grade. Unsure how the workers look at them all day, but they are allowed permission to say things like this.

3. “Why won’t this bitch stop putting the massage chair on “tapping”? I’m literally trying to paint her toes, and that isn’t making it easier.”
You know you’re being kind of a cunt when you put the massage chair on an option that makes your legs shake as if you’re getting jackhammered by a pornstar. It feels amazeballs, but the person doing your nails wants to slap the shit out of you.

4. “Another sorority girl? Hello Daddy’s credit card.”
When you wear your letters and have fresh highlights, your manicurist knows damn well it’s your parents’ money that you are walking in with. They can smell how spoiled you are as soon as they get a waft of your Michael Kors perfume. Talking about how you are getting your nails done for formal is just the cherry on top.

5. “THOSE EYEBROWS. HOLY WOOLLY MAMMOTH.”
There’s nothing worse than a nail salon employee who won’t quit looking at your eyebrows. They are avoiding eye contact because they are too scared of your forehead caterpillars.

6. “Does she know what lotion is?”
If you don’t use lotion, you’re not going to be a shoe model and these people can confirm that. Why do you think they lather your whole foot/leg before they paint your toes?

7. “Drinking Starbucks at 2p.m.? Who even needs coffee at this time?”
Chicks our age drink coffee where we want and when we want because we just don’t give a damn. However, to people who have to wake up at the break of dawn just to touch feet probably think our lazy asses don’t have any excuse to need coffee in the middle of the day.

8. “This dumbass wore tennis shoes.”
I am almost certain that they make you wear those bright flimsy flip-flops out of the salon just to embarrass you because you fucked up the system by wearing tennis shoes.

9. “She must be some kind of farm girl who plays around in mud.”
Everyone gets dirt under their nails at some point in life. And because of this the salon employees probably like to draw up different assumptions about what their customers do in their free time. For example, either you roll around in dirt or that really is all foundation under your nails because you pound on more makeup than any Kardashian.

10. “Hey, honey? Do you want to have a quickie in the backroom after this?”
Salon owners are literally always a married couple. And you know damn good and well that when they don’t have any customers, they’re hittin’ it in the backroom.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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