What My Senior Self Would Like To Tell My Freshman Self


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Nice Move

Freshman Senior

  1. Don’t rush your parents out the door when they drop you off. They might buy you dinner.
  2. Fakes are great, but don’t buy one. You can seriously make do without spending $100 and the shame of pretending that awkward girl with a bowl cut is you.
  3. Your freshmen boyfriend will most likely not be your senior boyfriend. It’s for the best.
  4. Your freshmen best friend will most likely not be your senior best friend. That’s okay too.
  5. Your sorority is great, but don’t let it be the only thing that defines you.
  6. Don’t judge people based on the letters they do or don’t wear. Get to know them–then hate them.
  7. You will learn to like beer. I promise.
  8. Put down your phone. Those status updates will still be there.
  9. Stop texting guys who don’t give a shit–this includes a lot of them. Sorry, princess.
  10. Tonic water has calories. Soda water does not.
  11. Taco Bell at 2 a.m. isn’t a good idea, but do it anyway and enjoy every bite.
  12. If you want another cupcake, have another cupcake. No one has to know about it.
  13. Call your mom.
  14. Actually, try calling people instead of always texting. It’s more personable.
  15. Read good books. They never go out of style, and there are more out there besides “Pride and Prejudice.”
  16. Guys think glasses are sexy, so wear glasses when reading.
  17. Have sex in some crazy places. It’s slutty but strangely acceptable these next few years.
  18. You might not get along with your big or little or twin or whatever. It’s honestly not a big deal.
  19. Ask yourself, “In a year, will it matter?”
  20. Kissing a guy does not make him your boyfriend.
  21. Neither does sleeping with him.
  22. The freshmen 15 is a thing. But, like, now that you’ve gained weight, you’ve got pretty big jugs.
  23. Don’t be embarrassed about your dreams. People can’t help you if they don’t know what you want.
  24. If you can’t decide if you should wash your hair or not, you probably should.
  25. Same goes for wearing a bra.
  26. You think not wearing underwear will be scandalous, but you actually just get really sweaty. So, wear it.
  27. You can’t trust everyone. That’s not a reason to be jaded.
  28. He does not have to check in with you.
  29. If he cheats on you, end it, like, yesterday. Don’t waste your time or your heart.
  30. You have much more potential than you think.
  31. Always carry extra deodorant in your purse.
  32. The people you stalk on social media are the ones you should block.
  33. Someone will ALWAYS be hotter than you. Wanna know a secret? I’m pretty sure waxes her mustache. She’s also a bitch.
  34. Free pizza is everywhere. You don’t have to eat it every time.
  35. Free pizza is so damn good, though.
  36. You should be passionate about things, but you don’t need to be passionate about everything.
  37. Stop saying “like.” Like, now.
  38. Lean Cuisines don’t make you lean if you eat four of them for dinner.
  39. You can still get a good workout, even if you don’t tag yourself at the gym.
  40. Learn to fake cry. You just never know.
  41. The chances of having sex with that super hot professor are slim, but always wear eyeliner just in case.
  42. The fewer selfies you post, the more people like you times 10. Don’t believe me, but I told you so.
  43. Never talk about penis sizes in front of guys. It will haunt you.
  44. Going into the water does not hide your beer gut at a pool party.
  45. If you can’t quote “Mean Girls,” “Anchorman,” and “Bridesmaids,” you need to get on that, stat. #ImSureYoureVeryPopular
  46. Stop giving a shit what people think. They most likely hate you and think you suck. So now you don’t have to worry and you can just have fun.
  47. The time will go by faster than you think. Live it up. Do it right. Make it count, and know that the next journey ahead is even better. It’s full of rich husbands, accidental pregnancies, and money to shop at Whole Foods.

This column was originally published on March 24, 2014.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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