Situation: He visits your college town, and thinks it’s an excuse for the two of you to reunite.
Plan: If your relationship ended on good terms, it might be acceptable to meet up in a brunch or coffee situation. Do not plan to do any activity that might be confused as a “real date” and definitely don’t plan to drink too much, as you will absolutely end up throwing your panties at him, and nobody wants that. Except for probably him, but you don’t have to care what he wants any more. If however, your last interaction included swear words and caps lock, it’s best just to stay away from him. His only intention in trying to meet up is to get back on your good side because he wants you back. He just wants to see that your world has fallen apart without him, or to swoop in and shake things up if you actually are happy again. Don’t fall for it.
Situation: He asks for his shirts back.
Plan: Under no circumstances are you to return his shirts to him, and this is honestly a pathetic excuse for him to try to come back into your life. If he thought he’d want his clothes back some day, he shouldn’t have given them to you in the first place. Don’t let go of the things you love, douchebag. And yes, that’s a metaphor.
Situation: He won’t quit Snapchatting you.
Plan: You can handle this one of two ways depending how vindictive you’re feeling. If you are really bothered by him trying to weasel his way back into your life, just unfriend him. If you’re on “good terms” maybe have a conversation about it first, but that’s just opening the lines of communication further. However, if you feel like being dramatic, go with the tried and true — posting pictures with any and all attractive men who so much as breathe your air.
Situation: You run into him at a bar or party.
Plan: Introduce yourself to some Ken doll look-alike. Lead this hottie towards your ex, and then “bump into” him. Say hello as politely as possible. If he doesn’t want to act civil, “trip” and throw your drink in his face.
Situation: He keeps liking 23 of your Instagram pictures all at once.
Plan: Enjoy the extra likes. It’s annoying, and obviously he’s desperate for attention. But there’s nothing you can really do about it unless you block him. And why would you do that if you want him to see how fantastic you are doing without him? So, sit back, relax, and feel like a super star with all of these new likes rolling in.
Situation: He tells his friends to invite your friends to a party in hopes of seeing you there.
Plan: What is this? Junior high? If he has to ask that many people just to be in the same vicinity as you, he’s a sad little man. If your ex insists this is the best way to keep an eye on you, give him something to watch. If your friends want to go to the party, tag along. Just make sure you look sexy as fuck. He will feel like a dumbass because he wasn’t the one who communicated with you in the first place.
Situation: His dog loves you, and he has the balls to ask you to take care of it.
Plan: No matter how much you love this dog, you can’t agree to this. He’s using the pup as an unavoidable leash on you that will always keep you coming back to him. Find a new canine to hang out with or get your own. Just don’t fall for your ex’s puppy dog eyes trap.
But the easiest solution of all is to just find a new boy toy and you won’t care about seeing your ex to begin with.