What You Tell Your Dad vs. What You’re Really Doing

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Nice Move

Dad

Much like how boys feel about their mothers, there’s a special place in any girl’s heart for her father. He’s there when you need him, he showers you with compliments, and he shows you that not all men are the worst (which can be hard to remember in college). However, despite our love for our fathers, there are certain things they never need to know. What they don’t know won’t hurt them, and the last thing we want is to get cut off hurt them.

“Don’t worry, I only use the credit card for emergencies!”

Emergencies including, but not limited to: liquor runs, purchasing every sorority shirt in existence, excessive online shopping, and trips to the mall where I leave with enough bags to warrant a shopping Sherpa.

“I think there’s a stomach virus going around, I’m not feeling great today.”

Last night I decided to mix liquor, beer, champagne, shots of 151, and everything else in sight. It’s a miracle that I’m not dead, although I may be close.

“I don’t really like beer, so I don’t get that crazy at fraternity parties.”

Instead, I either take shots directly from the bottles boys hide in their rooms, or chug the vat.

“I never spend money on drinks, because I’m not much of a drinker.”

I don’t spend money on drinks because I know how to wrap a man around my finger (and if I do I use cash, because my bar tab would be astronomical and unexplainable).

“I went to the health center today, because I think I’m coming down with something. It is flu season.”

I’m pretty sure that scumbag I was hooking up with has multiple diseases and there’s a huge probability he gave at least one to your little princess.

“I’ve met some really nice guys.”

If I remembered any of them, they would probably be awesome.

“Thank you so much for picking up my prescription! It really helps with my cramps.”

Thanks for the birth control. It would be so inconvenient for you to take care of a grandbaby while I continued to rage.

“I haven’t met that special someone quite yet.”

I’m blackout shacking with a wide variety of fraternity men, none of whom you would approve of.

“You would love the guy I’m taking to formal!”

He’s nice, but he’s majoring in physical education, and you told me I need to marry rich to maintain my lifestyle.

“I’m awake so early because I have lots of schoolwork to do and I’m heading to the gym first!”

I’m still up from last night, currently on a walk of shame from hell, somewhere between hungover, drunk, and dead.

“It was the tiniest fender bender and it wasn’t even my fault!”

I was alternating between texting, tweeting, daydreaming about last night’s hookup, and figuring out which dress to wear to formal, but I saw the stop sign and I totally paused.

“I’ve had a lot on my mind lately with mid-terms coming up.”

I’m almost positive I’m pregnant, and while I know you want to be a grandfather, I’m pretty sure you don’t want that quite yet. Plus, the potential father is such a douche.

“I know you’ve heard there’s drug use on campus, but I’ve never even seen that stuff!”

Except for in the bar bathroom last night, but I was so blackout who can really say what I saw, or did…

“My costume last night was adorable, it was just like when we dressed up as a cowboy or Indian when I was little!”

I wore the exact same Pocahontas costume I used when I was prepubescent, but I’m filling it out a little differently now.

“Oh, this old shirt? It’s from my favorite fraternity’s philanthropy event. We raised so much money for a great cause!”

I can’t remember who gave me this shack shirt, but I’m damn proud of it.

“There are only pictures of me at parties because no one takes pictures at the library! I was there yesterday.”

I stopped by because they forced my little to go to study hours and I wanted to find out who she’s taking to formal.

“I haven’t missed class yet…”

…this week.

“I’ll always be your little girl!”

That one’s true. Love you, Dad.

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