Columns

What You Wish You Could Say To Your Annoying Relatives

Screen Shot 2014-07-16 at 3.39.08 PM

Because, like, let’s be real.

How are you doing?
The fact that I am here instead of getting mind-blowingly drunk and making horrible decisions with the type of friends you wish you had in college should give you a good indication.

What’s your major?
After completely failing at my overly optimistic pre-medical major, I decided to switch to something that will get me nowhere in life, along the lines of communications. I plan to coast by until I find a rich frat boy to lavaliere me and/or accidentally get me pregnant, thus forcing him to marry and support me. But we all have dreams, you know?

I bet you have to beat the boys down with a stick, don’t you?
Yeah, totally. That’s why my very serious and committed invisible boyfriend came with me today. See how all the other ones are lining up outside and how I’m not standing here alone making small talk with fat relatives and sneaking swigs from my monogrammed flask? Yeah, me either.

Isn’t being in a sorority just nonstop partying?
Naturally, I say some bullshit about sisterhood, philanthropy, and lifelong friendships, but considering the fact that I shotgunned a beer in the parking lot before this event–which just so happens to be a funeral–I think you can guess the answer. #Cheers

Are you seeing anyone?
I’m seeing lots of someones. Well, lots of the headboards of someones whose names I can’t quite remember. I like to keep my options (and legs) open.

What do you want to do when you graduate?
My general plan is to put off this graduation business as long as possible. I hope to have an engagement ring by the time I walk so I can avoid the whole working thing all together. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll continue changing my major until the university kicks me out or I just naturally become the house mom.

How are classes going?
I’m not taking classes this semester. Wait? Maybe I am. Did the semester end? Or wait…no. Yes. Well, whatever. Either way, I don’t go to class. I just use my sorority’s “study notes” (AKA old tests, quizzes, and the answers to anything and everything) and pay someone to do all of the dirty work for me. So I guess they’re going well, thanks.

What happened with [insert ex’s name here]?
After learning that he was hooking up with my best friend while we were dating, I decided to call it quits and sleep with half of his fraternity. Due to the fact that I stalk him at least three times a day on social media, I’m pretty sure he’s doing fine. But, like, totally not as fine as I am.

You look so different!
I’m not only older, taller, and have developed boy-snatchers, but I am also living off of a diet of alcohol, Adderall, and avoiding responsibility. Or, maybe you’re alluding to the fact that I look like I came here hungover and in last night’s makeup. In that case, you would be correct.

Are a lot of your friends starting to get engaged and having babies?
Go fuck yourself.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

1 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More