What Your Starbucks Drink Says About You


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Whether you are a Starbucks gold member with your own tumbler glass or you are still struggling to understand what a grande means (come on, it’s medium, it’s really not THAT difficult), every girl has a Starbucks drink that just speaks to them. Sure, the menu may be intimidating at first, but unless you live under a rock, you’ve been to Starbucks enough times to be able to figure it out. You might switch up your order when you want to treat your sweet tooth or you need to counteract the alcohol still left in your bloodstream with some caffeine, but you have that one drink that feels like your own, and that drink may just speak volumes about your personality.

1. Iced/regular coffee

You have shit to do and you need caffeine to help you do it. As you wait in line, you roll your eyes at all the frilly, girly drinks and scoff at the girls taking pictures of them. You have a lab you need to ace and an intramural game you need to dominate in, you don’t have time for a caramel drizzle and whip. You wear the bags under your eyes as proud trophies, and you’re aware you look like you need to be hooked up to a caffeine IV. You are a boss ass bitch, and you need your bloodstream consist of mostly caffeine PRONTO. Bonus points if you ask for a shot of espresso.

2. Frappuccino

You are one of those people who have yet to learn how to “adult.” Or you’re actually a thirteen-year-old, either one. You have trouble making important life decisions and you’re reading this article right now to procrastinate from studying. It’s okay, we all once fell under the charm of a frappuccino, but then we all turned sixteen and moved on to bigger and better drinks. Adulting is hard and caffeine can be scary (it is technically a drug) but at some point you should probably put your big girl pants on and order something with a little more kick.

3. Two pumps of sugar-free caramel syrup, one shot espresso, grande latte with one percent- hold the foam

I hate you, your barista hates you, you probably hate yourself after ordering this, TBH. You’re about as high maintenance as they come. You’re not used to being told no by anyone: your boyfriend, your daddy, especially your bank account. You’ve never worked a minimum wage job in your life or you wouldn’t put your barista through the hell of having to create this monstrosity of a drink. But still, you know what you want and when you want it, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Honestly? You could care less if there was.

4. Caramel Macchiato

You’re basically a Starbucks connoisseur. You know the entire menu but you choose a drink that screams trendiness and style. You pick up your favorite drink as you walk to class in your ripped jeans, Raybans, and favorite off-the-shoulder shirt. God, you’re so cool. If people saw you wearing army pants and flip flops they would wear army pants and flip flops. You might occasionally take a picture of your drink but you don’t use any of the basic Instagram filters. You have a selection of premium filters from a much more hip app, like VSCO.

5. Iced tea/lemonade

You’re the fun, quirky girl. Just like the drink itself, you have that little kick of sweetness to you. At parties, you’re the girl dancing on elevated surfaces, but you make it down just in time to lock eyes with the perfect guy. Other girls hate how you manage to be the perfect blend of sexy and cute, and sometimes you’re even confused as to how you pull it off so effortlessly. You use this drink for the a little pick me up before your social. Your outfits are already planned to perfection and you had your homework done days ago, you just need a quick boost of energy to be able to flash your charming smile and handle those four shots coming your way very shortly.

6. Pumpkin Spice Latte

You probably clicked on this article awaiting a bash of the PSL drinkers of the world. But let me straighten this out, there are two groups of these girls:

  1. You are the stereotypical basic bitch of a PSL consumer. You waltz into Starbucks, letters on and Lily planner in hand, waiting to use the Valencia filter to truly capture the moment. You are one of the ones responsible for giving PSLs a bad name, but we forgive you. When fall comes around, hoards of other girls like you come running in like a stampede to get their first sips of the autumn concoction. You’re one of many, and you own your basic-ness.
  2. You know the reputation behind the drink, but you ignore it. Yes, you will get called basic, but you understand the pure magic that is the PSL. You don’t Instagram your lattes, you fucking enjoy every last drop. I mean, come on. It smells like Yankee candle threw up in a cup and tastes like heaven was blended up and made into a satisfying drink. You’re the type of girl who doesn’t care about labels, stereotypes, etc. You’ll hang out with the less cool frats because the guys are nice, and you’ll be the first one to show up at the party. You hear the sighs around you as you order your favorite drink, but you follow the TSwift philosophy of “the haters gonna hate, hate, hate.” Or maybe you’re just the type of girl who really likes PSLs… because let’s be real, that shit is delicious.

7. You Prefer Dunkin Donuts

You can’t sit with us. Bye.

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it. email me at : drunkandconfused@gmail.com if you have any breaking news/funny stories or if you want to fill me in as to what I did last night...

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