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“Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?”

Easter is fast approaching, meaning you’re soon about to face the awful reality of dealing with distant-ish relatives and/or friends of your parents who are all dying to know how close you are to becoming a real person. You are going to hear those horrible questions: “So what are you doing after graduation?” Ummm…getting married and becoming a Real Housewife of whatever city I’m living in, duh. Which unfortunately segues into the even worse question of “Oh, so do you have a boyfriend?” GET OFF MY BACK! The worst people will take it a step further, just to make it hurt, and ask “Well, why not? You’re so smart and pretty!” You don’t think I know how awesome I am? I have no idea why not! Ok, I have some idea why not.

What you say: I date a little bit casually, but I’m really just focused on having fun right now. All of my friends are single, and I feel like I have the whole rest of my life to be with one person so it’s just not something I’m really interested in just yet.
What you think: I’m a drunk mess and I sleep with pretty much every guy I’m interested in on the first night. But whatever, I have these four years to do that, and that’s it. It’s not like I’ll still be doing this when I’m 24. That’s like a hundred in sorority girl years and I’ll totally know better. Drunk me just likes to have fun. I don’t feel bad about it.
What that means: You probably will still be doing that when you’re 24, except by then you will feel bad about it, because you’re like a hundred in sorority girl years, and you’ll run out of justifications. Enjoy it while it’s semi-socially acceptable.

What you say: Well there is one guy, actually. He couldn’t be here right now, he had prior engagements. But I was actually thinking of ending things with him, I think we just want different things.
What you think: The guy I hook up with on most, but not every weekend, is a douchefuck who treats me like shit, and I’m actually embarrassed that I continue to do this. I would never DREAM of bringing him to a family function because not only would he probably refuse to come and make me feel like a desperate clinger for asking, but he’d undoubtedly get shit-faced and humiliate me. Every Monday I tell myself “never again” and every Thursday I end up back in his bed.
What that means: Not only will you and this boy never be anything, but you like him so much you won’t be with anyone else either. It’s normal. Everyone needs to go through their asshole phase. But the second you realize you’ve had enough, and that he really isn’t going to ever change, you’ll move on. Mostly.

What you say: I’m really looking for something serious. Like marriage material. I haven’t found the right guy yet, and I’m not willing to settle.
What you think: Real, or imagined, I have an I’m-too-good-for-everybody complex. I have impossibly high standards and I find that every guy is too fat, too skinny, has the wrong hair color, snores when he sleeps, takes really big bites when he eats, made the rookie mistake of using an exclamation point in a text message, waited too long to text me so I lost interest, is the wrong astrological sign, has an annoying laugh, has shitty nail beds, has ugly elbows, lost an intramural football game in front of me, pays too much attention to me, doesn’t pay enough attention to me, has a little who would be totally wrong for my little, or some other minute detail wrong with him that allows me to classify him as categorically undateable.
What that means: Someone burned you bad. It’s ok. You were too good for him.

What you say: I just really need this time for myself. I felt like I lost myself in my last relationship, and we just broke up…
What you think: …three years ago. Still, the experience of being tied down to someone for so long has made it so that romance sickens me. When a guy does something sweet I experience this deadly mixture of wanting to laugh in his face and vomit. I generally feel embarrassed by him, and for him when he does something pathetic like try to woo me.
What that means: You might be a lesbian.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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