You Only Need Two Things To Get You Through College


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As another year goes by, more and more students are starting (or continuing) their college careers. It’s going to be a stressful time between getting acclimating to a new environment, juggling new classes, stressing through exams, and making a whole new set of friends while trying to maintain your old friendships.

People will give you a ton of advice on how to get through it. Don’t cram for exams — study a little each night, and you won’t have to stress. Call your mom every Sunday. Make sure to work out so you avoid the freshman 15. Keep your high school group text alive, and make Skype dates with your besties, but don’t stay attached to your phone — make sure you meet new people. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You really only need two things to get you through college:

Vodka and attention.

In the wise words of Julie Andrews: “These are a few of my favorite things.” And trust me when I say, they are the only things that you need to get through college. Let’s look at the facts.

1. It’s the lowest calorie hard liquor. Mix it with club soda and add a lime? You’re basically losing weight. It’s pretty much a salad.

2. It’s trusty. You know what will steer you wrong? Fucking tequila. Have you ever heard a tequila story that ended with a girl in her own bed? Never. It ends with a girl being carried out of a bar naked. Whisky grows hair on your chest. Fact. Gin is for old ladies. And rum…what are you a fucking pirate?

3. It’s clear. Need to sneak alcohol literally anywhere on the planet? Put vodka in a water bottle. Never fails. Except in the morning when you grab the bottle on your nightstand thinking it will cure your hangover, and instead you vomit.

1. Attention has literally changed the way we view the world. Ever heard of social media — the online proof that you exist and are having a bitchin’ time? Oh, you thought it was to keep in touch with friends and family? Wrong. It’s about validation and likes. The only way to win college is to hit triple digits on Instagram.

2. It’s the easiest way to pass your classes. Sure, sure, studying I suppose works too. You know what else works? Raising your hand a lot during discussion so your teacher notices you, and thus gives you the benefit of the doubt on something like your essay.

3. It’s the only thing you really need in terms of a love life. You can save love and a lifetime of happiness with someone for when you’re 27, which is 82 in sorority girl years. For now, you want one thing from guys and one thing alone: attention. You can survive on this, and this alone throughout your entire tenure. You’ll feel satisfied in your love life, but not dragged down by a boy.

The only other thing that may prove useful is t-shirts. Sorority girls fucking love t-shirts. Now we’ve got a combination of all three:

Vodka And Attention

The “Vodka & Attention” slouchy tee is a loose-fit white t-shirt with black text that can be paired perfectly with leggings and Converse for class, or styled up with jeans, a statement necklace and heels. Order here now! You have five days before they’re gone, so get on it.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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