You Should Give Blow Jays


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Nice Move

Blow job

There are two sides in the scary, messy, crazy world of oral: Team No-Jay and Team Blow-Jay. Both are understandable in society, and both are freely found. Let me break down what the teams are so you can better figure out where you stand.

• Team No-Jay: Doesn’t put dicks in their mouths.
• Team Blow-Jay: Puts dicks in their mouths.

Duh. Simple, right? You either do or you don’t. Before we move forward, I just want to say for all the haters out there that I totally get what Team No-Jay is about. I mean, come on. Blow jobs are not ideal. You put an organ in your mouth, suck on it while pretending that you’re having the time of you’re life, and what are you rewarded with? A salty, snotty spray that tests even the most deep-throated girl’s gag reflex. It’s not a fucking trip to the Bahamas.

All anti-beej excuses and propaganda aside, I going to come out from the dark. I’m tired of having to nod along as friend talk about how they’d rather die than suck on a dick. I’m fed up with society saying that girls have to hate blowjobs. I don’t like them. But I respect them. And despite how much they suck (get it?), I think all of you No-Jays should switch to Team Blow-Jay ASAP. Don’t believe me?

He’ll Do It Back

Remember your vagina? Remember how much fun the two of you used to have together? Having orgasm after orgasm in the back of your high school boyfriend’s car? Once upon a time, your vagina was treated right. But then we grew up and guys stopped going down on us just for funsies. Now, the key to getting some is giving some. It’s just economics. Or politics. Or math. The secret to getting off now is to take a trip or two to blowjob station every now and again. How annoying to be in a relationship based off of mutual pleasure, right?

It’s A Power Trip

You know the phrase “take him by the balls?” Yeah. That was created with a beej in mind. There are few times in life when you know you really, really have a guy. And those times when he’s gazing down at you in wonder, with an “HOW DOES SHE GO SO DEEP” look in his eyes will give you a total rush. If in that moment the fact that you know he thinks you’re a total fucking goddess isn’t enough, the way he acts after should do it. Want to watch five episodes of Gossip Girl? He’s so down. Want to cuddle up in bed while he whispers cute things to you? Done and done? Want him to return the favor (please see above)? That’s basically a given. Take him by the balls (with your mouth. Sorry), and watch as he lands in the palm of your hand. You know. Literally.

He’ll Like You More

Disclaimer: unless he’s a guy who doesn’t like blowjobs. Those do exist. If that’s the case why are you even reading this? Go hang out with the dream boyfriend that everyone else is jealous of. But for a lot of guys (and unfortunately for the rest of us), they want to have some oral in their lives. You don’t have to do it all of the time, but the occasional slob on the knob for birthdays, holidays, or when you want to convince him to go with you to a Paint With A Twist class will take you really far. On the checklist of things guys want in a mate, giving oral is usually up there. After looking like a VS model and being cool with all of his shitty friends, of course.

It’s Part Of A Relationship

That’s what it comes down to. It’s just part of being with someone. For most guys, “oral” really is oral. For others “oral” is something else. Maybe it’s letting him squirt it on your chest. Maybe it’s doing it doggy style. Maybe it’s just watching something you hate with him or putting up with his annoying habits. Being in a relationship is about compromise. I’m not saying you have to change who you are for a guy. But as long as it doesn’t hurt you or make you feel degraded, you should (and this means both of you) be willing to try something that your partner really wants or enjoys. A relationship isn’t about having a perfect boyfriend who does exactly what you want. It’s having a guy who buys you pizza after you give him ten minutes of half-hearted oral.

It’s Fun

JK. I’m no monster.

Besides, you know what they say. More blowies, more carats. Or something like that.

Image via Shutterstock

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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