Your Official Fourth Of July Drinking Game


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  1. Take a shot every time someone shortens “America” to “‘Merica.”
  2. Drink every time you see a girl in pristinely white Converse.
  3. Drink every time you see a patriotic t-shirt with one or more profanities.
  4. Drink every time someone offers you a red, white, or blue Jell-O shot, simply because refusing would be unpatriotic.
  5. Take a shot every time you catch a boy watching you eat a hotdog.
  6. Drink every time one of your friends starts talking shit on one of our presidential candidates.
  7. Drink every time you see a pair of high waisted jean shorts.
  8. But only a tiny sip, or else you might die in the first fifteen minutes.
  9. Drink to reward yourself after engaging in a group chant of “U-S-A! U-S-A!”
  10. Take a shot for every Pinterest project gone wrong.
  11. Drink for every firework that goes off.
  12. Chug if you’re in an area where such fireworks are actually illegal.
  13. Drink after you inevitably vom, because you’re an American and Americans know how to rally.
  14. Drink when you see a drunk girl’s red lipstick shot to shit.
  15. Drink every time someone blasts a terrible country song just because it mentions the United States.
  16. Which is basically every country song, so gird your loins.
  17. Drink every time a bikini-clad girl with double D’s makes you hate yourself.
  18. Take a shot when you get hit on anyway, because your B’s pull hella D’s.
  19. Drink every time someone gets pushed into a body of water against their will.
  20. Drink every time you see a flag.
  21. Chug if it’s waving in the wind, because that shit’s majestic as fuck.
  22. Drink every time you violate your diet, because BBQ.
  23. Drink every time one of your shitfaced friends loses something important, like their phone or virginity.
  24. Drink every time you see a girl wearing a patriotic bow.
  25. Take a shot when she gets ratchet enough to lose said bow.
  26. Drink every time you feel damn proud to be an American.
Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at

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