We joined our sororities for reasons so much deeper and meaningful than those that are superficial, contrary to popular belief. We joined for things like sisterhood, lifelong memories, and tradition. We joined because there is little that will ever compare to those four, amazing years as members of Greek life. Most importantly, we joined to share a guiltless obsession of “Mean Girls” quoting, wine, Starbucks, and fro-yo with girls who totally just get it.
Joining a sorority was a decision I made, one that I would never take back. Just as I expected, officially becoming what I like to describe as “the chosen ones” definitely changes things. You finally get a firsthand look into life as a sorority girl for yourself, and with that privilege comes experiences unlike any other: some good, some really good, and some out-of-this-world-this-is-probably-illegal amazing.
What’s sorority life without something good to look at every now and then, though? I’m talking about guys. Man candy. So many guys. Too many guys (not that there’s such a thing). As sorority women, there will be few of us who go our four years without meeting the best and the worst of them. There are some we love to love, and some we love to hate–or just hate. Encountering each and every one of them is inevitable. Take it from someone who has tried and failed miserably, but let’s not go there. How does the saying go? “Once you black out at semi-formal with the guy your big set you up with, you never try to remember what actually happened…” I’m not sure, but that’s neither here nor there. Without further ado, here are 10 guys you will absolutely meet once you go Greek.
The Male Cheerleader
Just like any guy with a big mouth who craves attention, this guy is never afraid to go solo but prefers to stay in groups of at least two to four equally enthusiastic dudes. This guy comes in many forms. He could be a legitimate cheerleader, your school’s number one undergrad football fan, or the most spirited brother in his fraternity. You generally can hear this guy from a mile away, which gives you just enough time to run the opposite direction while wearing sky-high wedges. Nobody has time for that much excitement outside of recruitment season.
Most likely to be seen at Panhellenic recruitment, perusing the streets of campus in the back of a pickup truck, cheering (read: cat calling) girls on as they visit the various houses.
Always Shirtless Guy
If it doesn’t work for Matthew McConaughey, it will never work for this guy. He may have the abs, the freshly waxed pecs, and even that sexy V thing that leads down to his cash and prizes lethal enough to make the coldest sorority bitch gawk. It doesn’t matter. If he gets up every morning, looks in the mirror, and decides that even though he is fully dressed from the waist down that a shirt is unnecessary, he needs a reality check. As much as you love seeing his hard work at the gym is paying off, you would much rather know that he does, in fact, own the most basic and essential piece of clothing. For the sake of all that is 100 percent cotton, put on a shirt, man. If it makes you feel any better, you can take it off right afterwards. It’s not permanent. What will really count is that you tried.
Most likely to be seen at any location with a sign that says, “No shoes, no shirt, no service,” giving zero fucks.
Pledge Master Asshole
Even though all of his pledges were initiated weeks ago, this guy has no problem putting them (and everyone else) in their place by yelling and being obnoxiously bossy. Chill out, dude. We get it, you’re the pledge master. It doesn’t mean you have to go around drilling people like it’s your legit job. Plus, you know that it’s not a year round thing, right? Beware of this one, ladies, because after hooking up once or twice, there’s a good chance he’ll start ordering you around in the bedroom, too. Just smile and tell him that unless his name is Christian Grey, he can shut the hell up.
Most likely to be seen at a Chipotle yelling out the ingredients he wants in his burrito because it makes him feel empowered.
You have no clue which fraternity he’s in, because he clearly avoids wearing letters due to the fear of every girl on campus stalking him–I mean knocking on his door. He’s like the unicorn of the fraternity world. He breaks all the rules as far as what your typical frat guy looks like, but for some reason, they were all for pledging him. You’re thankful they did, because he’s a specimen of male perfection. If he was a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, he would be Karamel Sutra, because we are well aware of the huge “core” he’s packing. Not to mention that even Patrick Dempsey would be jealous of his perfectly mussed hair, it’s that good. This guy is the reason you decided to take that philosophy class you know you’ll probably fail. He’s also the reason you go to that icky bar where they play indie rock and have “silence” breaks. It’s well worth it, though, even if your GPA drops a few decimal points and you turn into that girl most likely to go to Coachella.
Most likely to be seen staring into a reflective surface at an Urban Outfitters admiring the body the “gods” gave him.
America’s Next Top Frat Daddy
Maybe it’s the receding hairline or the beer belly, but there is something about this guy that reminds you of someone’s father–and not in a good way. People say he’s “been here for a while,” which translates to “he probably graduated 10 years ago, we’re not really sure.” He’ll hit on you a few times before he realizes that you’re not really into the whole “I graduated in ’83” look. Point him toward your sister who you’re pretty sure has daddy issues, because there’s a good chance she’ll be all about him.
Most likely to be seen still sitting on the roof of his frat house at the age of 50.
Yard Game Olympian
It’s like he knows he’ll never get to really play on any team ever, so he takes it out on the front yard via aggressive yard games. He claims to be the best at wiffle ball, horseshoes, ping pong, low hoop, bocce ball, catch…it literally does not matter. If game day happens seven days a week in the front yard, then he will claim the fame with or without consent from his fellow yard game mates. When he asks you out on a date, you say yes. You look forward to spending time with a guy who seems to be truly dedicated to something–until you realize his idea of a date is planting you in a lawn chair with a beer, where you have a front row seat to his yard game shenanigans. Thanks, but no thanks.
Most likely to be seen in an emergency room waiting area for a “sports” injury.
What sport doesn’t this guy play? He somehow hit the physical mark of being the perfect height, weight, and build to be on any team he so chooses, with the athletic ability to back it up. Every girl wants to date him, every guy wants to be him, and you’re pretty sure if you can lock him down while he’s in college, you’ll have a good chance of being the star of a sports wife reality show. Sure, the mere size of him pretty much guarantees he could crush you in your sleep, but that’s also a turn on. So is the thought of how much student debt he won’t have since he’s going on a full sports scholarship. The sound of his freakishly deep voice counting all of the money you two will have to spend on more important things like cars, clothes, and houses gives you goosebumps. Better reel this one in quick, ladies, because they usually don’t stay on the market too long.
Most likely to be seen on ESPN during football, baseball, and basketball season, but also known to make appearances in the back of lecture hall classrooms on required attendance days.
Future PR Specialist
He prides himself on his ability to be charming while also vandalizing your sorority house’s property with flyers about his approaching party. There’s something about the way he says, “ladies, you should stop by the party,” that brings all the girls to the yard with little to no effort. He also has a talent for fundraising loads of money for the most obscure ragers of debauchery as his fraternity’s social chair, when you couldn’t even sell Girl Scout cookies as an adorable child to overweight housewives. Many sorority girls are super into the socially driven career of being a PR specialist and can’t help but be jealous of his laissez-faire promotional style and clear future in the field. We get in good with him, despite our jealousy. The best thing about dating or being friends with this guy is that he usually has the best connections when it comes to the club and bar scene. Can we say “no cover” and “free drinks” thanks to this guy? Yes, we can.
Most likely to be seen getting people in the backdoor of a club because he “knows a guy.”
President of the FuckShitUp Party
Really, guy, could you not? That is basically what everyone thinks when this guy shows up to the party, because in T minus 7 seconds, someone is getting punched, challenged, or verbally assaulted by this dude. Why? Because he lives to do one thing and one thing only, which is fuck shit up. As sorority girls, this is really none of our concern. We literally couldn’t care less about the Amazing Hulk stomping around the room. Well, not until you realize that this guy seems to show up just as the hottie with a trust fund is about to holler at you. It’s not too long before the lights are on and everybody is clearing out because the cops are on their way, thanks to this guy. Now, you once again are destined to spend the night with wine, “Girls” reruns, and your cat’s judgmental glare sans hot guy. This guy clearly needs anger management and better timing.
Most likely to be seen in the back of a police car before having his lawyer father “take care of it.”
Bartender AKA Best Friend
He’s the best guy you’ll meet, because at the end of the day, he’s there for you with exactly what you want: a stiff one.
Most likely to be seen standing right in front of you on most nights with your drink of choice in hand.