Lingerie? 80 dollars. Gift card to his favorite restaurant? 50 dollars. Plan B for the day after? 40 dollars. When you crunch the numbers, it becomes apparent that Valentine’s Day really takes a toll on your bank account. And the list is even longer for the poor souls who we call our boyfriends. This Valentine’s Day, save everyone a little trouble and fly solo. After all, there are so many other things you could buy:
1. Wine: $8.99
You know that warm, fuzzy, slightly nauseous feeling you get when you think you might have caught the feels for a certain someone? Oddly enough, that same feeling can be achieved after downing a few bottles of cheap wine. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
2. Boyfriend Pillow: $29.95
These gems are truly one of a kind. Equipped with one arm and a pillowy torso, they provide the perfect support while you nap your Valentine’s Day away. Miss having a cuddle buddy? Well, here is your low-cost solution. Better yet, you don’t have to worry about causing an unplanned arm amputation, nor will your pillow try to cop a feel.
3. Instagram Comments: Free
Another benefit of having a significant other is being showered in endless compliments. Sadly, no other platform of communication allows us to instantly compliment people on their looks and achievements. Oh, wait.
4. Vibrator: $10
I’m just going to leave this one here.
5. Neck Massager: $30
While we are in this general category, it seems like a good time to mention that they now have these actual machines that will massage your necks for you. I mean, who would have thought? So, kiss your boyfriend goodbye and get one of these bad boys instead. Extra bonus: these machines have had plenty of practice, so you won’t have to worry about being the victim of accidental strangulation.
6. Netflix Account: $8 if you are dumb, free if you are smart.
This one is a double whammy. Not only can you sneakily gain revenge on your asshole of an ex, but you can also save the almost ten dollars that you can spend elsewhere (read: Number 4).
7. Oversized Sweater from Goodwill: $3
Every time I see a girl drowning in an ugly oversized sweatshirt, a piece of me dies. We get it, you have a quasi boyfriend. You hook up. Cool. Meanwhile, I am enjoying life in my equally as comfortable Goodwill sweatshirt. I only lost a few dollars on it, but at least my dignity made it out alive.
8. Adele’s Album: $20
Every girl has at least one Valentine’s Day that ends in total disappointment. Your boyfriend messed up the perfect gift, you didn’t get an engagement ring, or maybe he forgot the holiday all together. Luckily, you don’t actually need to have a boyfriend to achieve this overwhelming sense of sadness! Just listen to some Adele, and hug that boyfriend pillow a little closer.
9. Titanic: $5
Sometimes, you just need to know that you are loved. But- you guessed it! – you don’t need a boyfriend for that, either. While on a recent Target excursion, I was shocked to find that Titanic was placed on the bargain rack. The true value of this movie is priceless, but luckily even those us of us on a budget can now have Leo profess his love for us. I mean, Rose.
10. A Puppy: $75-$300
This one is a bit of an investment, but hear me out. Maybe you miss having someone slobbering all over your face, or maybe you miss having someone warm to cuddle with while watching Titanic. Or, perhaps you miss having someone to feed, clean up after, and coddle at every hour of the day. While it’s hard to replicate the exacts hardships that come along with a boyfriend, you can easily gain the same responsibilities by adopting a puppy. Also, your furry friend is practically guaranteed to stay around for over a decade. Clearly, he’s a winner.
Now that you have all of your options laid out for you, feel free to pick and chose your combinations as you please. With the proper care, your new presents will be able to last for seasons to come. And, you don’t have to worry about Leo, your puppy, or your vibrator waking up one day and telling you that “it’s not you, it’s me.”.
Nice Move285
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PSLsandPearls
PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at PSLandPearlsTSM@gmail.com (note the single PSL).
@PSLsandPearls
