Theoretically, the older you get, the more ‘adult’ you’re supposed to become. After years of leaning on your parents for support, the burden passes to you as you step into the role of bona fide adult. It’s not just money things, although that’s a big part of it, but the things that make you stop and think, “Fuck, that person’s a grownup.” I don’t know about all of you, but the older I get, the more I feel like a fish out of water — someone just pretending to have it together without even the slightest clue. Maybe you’re better than I am. Maybe you’re a real, live adult. Or maybe you’re just a child who was forced out into the real world too soon and now you’re desperately trying to trick people into thinking you belong. There’s really only one, well actually, ten ways to tell. Read on if you think your fragile ego can handle it.
1. 401k
An adult: Knows what a 401k is and actively puts money into it.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Has one checking account and prays to God they don’t run out of money.
2. Food
An adult: Cooks balanced and nutritious meals on a regular basis
A kid pretending to be an adult: Relies solely on takeout, leftovers, and pre-cooked dinners.
3. Doctor and dental appointments
An adult: Is responsible enough to know that it’s time for their yearly/biyearly check-up and can make an appointment without any reminder.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Has no idea when the last time they were at the doctor was and relies exclusively on their mom to not only remind them multiple times but to also make the appointment.
4. Car repairs
An adult: Has a trusted mechanic that they go to with all things car-related and feels comfortable and competent discussing issues and getting price estimates.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Has literally zero clue what the fuck is going on and makes a special trip home to have their parents deal with (and pay for) the problem.
5. Living room décor
An adult: Has furniture with a cohesive theme and, above all else, has coasters and lamps that aren’t made out of plastic.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Is lucky if any of the pieces are stain or rip free, let alone matching.
6. Kitchenware
An adult: Owns an entire matching set of plates and silverware, as well as glasses that aren’t plastic.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Considers it a win to be eating off of plates that aren’t disposable.
7. In-home bar
An adult: Knows the difference between liquor, liqueur, and cordial and owns all the basics for a beginner’s bar.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Relies on boxed wine, light beer, and cheap liquor to get them through. The phrase quantity over quality is applicable.
8. Bedroom décor
An adult: Has a well thought out and well-executed theme and the room that is more often than not organized and clean.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Relies on posters, tapestries, crafts, and canvases to cover the blank spaces on the wall.
9. Bills
An adult: Sets a reminder and pays bills well in advance of their due date.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Pays bills just in the nick of time or even a few days late, not because they don’t have the money, but because they forgot they were due. Or, more than likely, has no concept of bills and depends on their parents to make the payments.
10. Credit score
An adult: Not only knows what their credit score is but is also aware of what kind of loan their credit history could afford them.
A kid pretending to be an adult: Contemplates logging onto one of the credit score sites every time that specific commercial comes but almost immediately forgets once their show returns.
And now the moment of truth: which one are you?.
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
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