I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. I’m no expert. I only eat carbs, I avoid social interaction at all costs, and I get winded going up a flight of stairs. That being said, I am going to tell you how to live your sex life. Not because I’m an expert — God, no. But because I’m tired of hearing my friends complain about lame sex with lame guys and how they’re going to live this lame life forever. Not good. So I’ve taken it upon myself to search far and wide (on the internet, guys. I didn’t actually go anywhere) to find the best sex toys almost anyone can use. Some are easy, some are a little harder, but almost all of them are sure to give you an orgasm. Or at least a really good story.
1. Handcuffs
What is it: The things cops use to restrain bad people. So in this case the thing your boyfriend will use while awkwardly calling you a “bad girl.”
How do you use it: Choose who is going to be restrained. That person then lays on the bed. The other people clips the handcuffs to his/her hands, looping it through something to keep the person in place. Or you can just put it around their wrists. Whatever floats your boner.
What’s so great about it: If you’re the person restrained, you literally have to do zero work. Nothing. Because you can’t move. It’s the perfect excuse for being lazy.
Why it’s hard: You don’t want to cut off their circulation or put them in an uncomfortable position or misplace the key.
Difficulty: 5/10
2. Other Restraints
What is it: It’s the same concept as handcuffs, but you use something else. His tie, a belt, rope that you for some reason have.
How do you use it: You tie the person up. Hands and/or feed if you’re feeling really crazy. You just have to make sure the knots are tight, but not too tight.
What’s so great about it: Again, if your favorite thing is doing nothing, getting tied up is for you.
Why it’s hard: You have to make sure to tie the person up properly so they aren’t in pain or their limbs don’t fall asleep. Also if you feel weird being spread eagle naked on a bed while the person having sex with you just stares at you, you might feel a little uncomfortable.
Difficulty: 6/10
3. Lube
What is it: It’s lube. Lubricant. Slippery stuff to make the motion of the ocean a little wetter.
How do you use it: You just squirt it onto the good parts.
What’s so great about it: Everything.
Why it’s hard: If you use too much of it you might slip on wood or tile floors later. Showering will be an adventure, and something you absolutely have to do after. And if you’re using condoms, make sure the lube is water-based.
Difficulty: 2/10
4. Blindfold
What is it: One of those things that cover your eyes. You know. A blindfold. This can be either a sleeping mask, a tie, or just some random dish towel you fond on the floor.
How do you use it: You tie or place it over the person’s eyes. Like, that’s really it.
What’s so great about it: If you’re blindfolded, your other senses are immediately heightened. And you can’t see anything which means you most likely don’t have to do as much because hello, you can’t see? And if you’re the other person you don’t have to worry about bad lighting, awkward angles, or any rolls you don’t want them to see. Win-win.
Why it’s hard: You want the person to still get circulation to their head but also be unable to see and have the blindfold be secure. Also, one person has to do a lot of work. Like, all of the work.
Difficulty: 4/10
5. Gag
What is it: Either material or a ball used to stop the person from being able to speak or make noise.
How do you use it: You put the ball in the mouth and secure it in the back of the head with a strap. Pretty self-explanatory.
What’s so great about it: In BDSM the submissive will use it. Most people say they enjoy the feeling of “helplessness” and the added bonus of not having to worry about their teeth (for biting purposes, I guess). And this stops others from hearing the noises made by the kinky couple.
Why it’s hard: Lockjaw. It being a little awkward. The fact that it really, really isn’t for everyone.
Difficulty: 8/10
6. Cock Ring
What is it: A little ring made of rubber, leather, or silicone. It’s placed around the penis to limit the blood flow, which results in a longer erection and therefore longer sex. Bonus, some of the vibrate.
How do you use it: You slip it around the penis and go to town.
What’s so great about it: Longer sex (like, long enough where you actually have a *chance* at getting off). Some vibration that hits the perfect spot.
Why it’s hard: A ring around a penis. An erect penis. While you’re hopping on top. Things are bound to go wrong every once in awhile.
Difficulty: 7/10
7. Vibrator
What is it: You know what it is.
How do you use it: And you know how to use it. Put it where you want it and let it take over. Just add it to your normal sex and get ready to never ever look back.
What’s so great about it: Everything?
Why it’s hard: It just takes some maneuvering and a conversation. Once you figure out where it should go and what speed, you’ll wonder why you haven’t been using it forever.
Difficulty: 4/10
8. Dildo?
What is it: Terrifying.
How do you use it: You put it in holes. You choose the holes. Either he can use it on you or you can *gulp* use it on him.
What’s so great about it: You tell me.
Why it’s hard: You need to have a lot of trust, a lot of patience, a big open mind and a lot of lube to pull this off. And uh, out?
Difficulty: 10/10
9. Food
What is it: The stuff you eat. Whipped cream. Chocolate. Pizza — pick your delicious poison.
How do you use it: Squirt it all over. Eat it off of each other. Slather it on.
What’s so great about it: I’m sorry, you get to eat while you orgasm. What was the question?
Why it’s hard: It can get messy. Like, really messy. Odds are whatever you’re using is going to get on the bed. And the floor. And maybe the ceiling if things get weird. Also, you want to make sure food doesn’t go *inside* of you. While sweets in bed are great, sweets inside of you could cause a yeast infection. And last I checked, that didn’t exactly scream sexy.
Difficulty: 6/10
10. Costumes
What is it: A chance to pull all of your old recital costumes out and slut them up a bit.
How do you use it: Whether you want to role play, throw on a wig, or just keep your heels on, it’s an easy way to do something, or someone, a little bit differently.
What’s so great about it: We use pretty much any excuse to throw on a costume. Now you get to do it and watch his jaw drop to the floor when you come out in pigtails and a schoolgirl skirt. Think of it as practice for Halloween, but with orgasms involved.
Why it’s hard: Good luck getting him to dress up as a sexy lumberjack. And accents? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Difficulty: 3/10
11. Some Sort Of Sex Swing?
What is it: A swing that you somehow contort your body to have sex on.
How do you use it: I actually don’t know. I imagine you need to limber up. Really position your body properly. Maybe some light witchcraft?
What’s so great about it: You will be able to brag about it forever.
Why it’s hard: It just seems honestly impossible. How you do this without breaking your neck, or his penis, is beyond me.
Difficulty: 11/10
Happy sexing!.
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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