11 Things Every Educated Woman In America Needs To Know ASAP

Educated Woman

Apparently, there are a shit ton of women in America. So many, in fact, that more than half of the American society consists of humans with ovaries and crippling PMS. And apparently these child-bearing, milk producing, “working our asses off” females are making less money than their male counterparts. Like “78 cents to every man’s dollar,” less.

That might not seem like a huge deal right now. That’s just twenty-two cents. Literally less than a quarter. So who the hell cares? Well, you will. Once you get that hot-shot job, and you’re buying produce from Whole Foods without your parent’s credit card, you’ll care. And believe it or not, that’s right around the corner.

Last night on “The Daily Show” Jon Stewart spoke with (the absurdly hilarious) Kristen Schaal about this gross wage gap. And while it was beyond funny, it was also really fucking eye opening.


Now full disclosure, for the most part, I usually don’t give a shit about what’s going on in the world. I know, that’s horrible. But I read gossip magazines more than I read actual current events. I can’t remember the last time I turned on a news channel, but I am 100 percent caught up on the Kardashians. But, when shit is going down in the world that affects me, I care. And when it affects the money I’ll make, I REALLY care. And this? This really affects me. It affects all of us. But how?

  1. According to studies, women won’t receive equal pay until 2058.
    That’s forty-three years away. We’ll have wrinkles by then. Actually no, we’ll have gotten wrinkles, freaked out, and have gotten botox by then.
  2. Kennedy (the hot as shit president) already signed an equal pay law in 1963.
    But thanks to loopholes, it doesn’t exactly work the way the hottie had hoped. So LOL at our less than equal pay check.
  3. The Lilly Ledbetter Act made it easier (in theory) to sue the assholes violating Kennedy’s law.
    But it all reality, it basically did nothing. Thanks a lot. 
  4. There are actually TWO wage gaps.
    Because one way to steal money from women just wasn’t enough!
  5. In the first one, they literally just take money from you because you’re a female.
    “Oh, same job, same hours, same work completed? Great, we’re going to go ahead and take a few dollars from your check. For no real reason, just because sometimes your hormones make us uncomfortable.”
  6. The second is the “systemic wage gap.” Basically, society makes it easier for men to go into higher paying jobs and supports them more when they get them.
    But it’s cool. We’re just over here trying to have a career, be a home-maker, be true to ourselves, and populate the world. NBD.
  7. Basically, we need better childcare options, education opportunities, and a change in messaging in media and entertainment to get things rolling.
    But like, whatever. No rush. We’re not legally promised equality or anything.
  8. But before we get equal pay, a flying car will go on sale in 2017.
  9. And NASA is going to get people to Mars by 2030.
    “We’re going to be flying cars on Mars twenty-eight years before women get equal pay.”
  10. In just ten years, 3D printers will be able to create an actual human heart.
    “We’re going to print human hearts out of Xerox machines thirty years before women get pay equality.”
  11. Basically, we’re going to be living off of 3D printed hearts, while driving our grandchildren around in our flying cars on Mars before we get that $.22 raise.
    Kind of fucking pathetic, huh?

At this point, we’d be better off printing a 3D penis, slapping it on the bank counter and saying “Hey society, fuck you, pay me.” – Kristen Schaal

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait until I’m sixty to get my share. Time to print the penises and get our wages back, ladies.

[via Youtube]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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