When I am panic cleaning my apartment (the term of endearment I use when I throw all of my clothes in the closet and get the dishes out of the sink) before a guy or a friend I’m not totally “there” yet with comes over, the place I most struggle with is the bathroom. It’s not because my bathroom is so disgusting it can’t be tamed, I promise. It’s because there’s just so much damn stuff in there. As girls, we spend so much time in there primping and coifing ourselves, it’s bound to be filled to the brim with mess and trinkets.
1. Makeup That Is Probably Expired
How old is this Covergirl palette of four weird brown shades? Why are there three tubes of that pink body, green top mascara that everyone’s mom seems to put in their Christmas stocking? Does lipstick go bad? Because this old Clinique tube actually looks pretty cute… Is the brand Makeup Forever literally forever?
2. Enough Q-Tips To Build A House
Why there are q-tips in literally every crevasse of the bathroom, I will never know. I’m fully convinced that there are enough q-tips in every girl’s bathroom that we could MacGyver ourselves out of any tragedy with nothing but hair ties and q-tips. Do we really clean our ears that often? Do we actually use them to clean up fall out rather than just using our dirty fingers? Come on, ladies. This is a safe space. No, no we don’t.
3. At Least Five Shampoos
“Well this one is to make my hair grow after the terrible bob of Summer 2014, this one is for color protection because this fake blonde ain’t cheap, this one I got guilted into at the salon and every time I see it I get a little pissed off, this one I bought while in a Target haze, and this is the one I actually use.” *shrug*
4. A Loofah That Needs To Be Thrown Away
Did you know that you’re really only supposed to use a loofah for like…three weeks and then throw it away? Yeah, true story. So that pink monstrosity you’ve had since Freshman year is probably growing a previously unknown strain of West Nile Virus.
6. Hair Everywhere
I, like every other red-blooded, American female, am fully convinced about once a month that I’m going bald. The hair comes out of a bun and enough falls onto the counter to make a small dog. There’s the hair in the shower that ends up on the wall with one of those swirl motions for easier pick up after we get out, hair in the sink after spraying in something that’s supposed to give us beach waves, hair on the floor after blow drying upside down style. How one human being can lose this much hair and not look like a Trump impersonator is beyond me.
7. Clothes Left Behind After A Night Out
The absolute best part of coming home after going out, is completely stripping down to your underwear in the bathroom. Follow any trail of abandoned bandage skirts, crop tops, heeled booties, and statement necklaces out of the bathroom and into the hall and I guarantee you’ll find a drunk girl attempting to order EAT24 at the end of it.
8. Bobby Pins
How are we simultaneously always able to find a bobby pin at the bottom of our purse when our friend needs one, but never when we’re trying to secure our sock buns? Why are they away in every part of the bathroom that they shouldn’t be? Behind the toilet, rusting in the shower, hidden underneath various Lush products that are only half used. Bobby Pins are like the q-tips; just easier to lose and more frequently needed.
9. An Unopened At Home Bikini Wax Kit
Everyone has been tempted by these at least once, thinking of the money we could save by DIYing our regular waxes. But then we think about how much it hurts when a professional does it and panic. It sits underneath the sink like a monster, taunting us and making us cringe at the very thought of it.
10. Not. Enough. Tampons.
Without fail. We can always use more. Whether it be because you and your roomies aren’t synced up or you always have one friend, *cough*CAROLINE*cough* that always uses all of yours, there never seems to be enough Tampax to go around.
11. A Phone Charger
What? What are we supposed to do when we definitely aren’t pooping? .