11 Things That Should Be Left to Men

OK, so I may have grown up in an environment where normal voting procedure for women was to ask their father or husband to write a list down of who they should be picking. I get that’s a little strange in the overall social climate of the country including all socioeconomic and regional groups. I still think it’s completely justified, but I have been out in the world at least a little and seen the other side. No matter what, though, here are the things I think we should let the boys keep to themselves. In every case, it’s a much better idea for males than females.

Boat Ownership:I love boating. I grew up on various sizes of boats from “that should not be taken out into the bay” to “how many bedrooms does that have?” so I am going to assume I have enough experience to speak here. You are artificially putting land onto sea. You are forcing one opposing element onto another. It’s going to fight back, it’s going to be consistent, and men are the only ones with the bullheadedness to deal with that for an extended period of time. Have guy friends with smaller boats to go get drunk on and charter anything larger.

Pot: I almost feel treasonous saying this, since so many of my friends smoke. However, it really needs to be a dude thing. There is a gender that is allowed to say really dumb things, eat an obscene amount, and smell a little funky at times and it’s not us. I know it’s hard for some of you to hear this, and while of course I won’t advocate anything illegal, try something else. Please. It’s unattractive. Get some wine and xanax like the big girls.

Golf: Now that I am in my one year of being in my hometown but not needing a separate membership, I have started to examine the golfers. I, myself, decided to learn to golf a few years ago, since it seemed such an integral part of the adult social sphere. I won’t say you shouldn’t learn to play, even though I never got past the driving range, but it seems like such a great way to get the guys out of the house for a few hours that I don’t see what about it is worth getting involved with. Tennis just strikes me as much more appropriate.

Scotch: Seriously, you might think that since you enjoy bourbon so much, it can’t be that different since it’s all whiskey. You are very wrong. Bourbon is just masculine enough for a girl to enjoy and have it be attractive. In my case, I attempted to mix what I later found out was a hundred dollar bottle of single malt with some diet coke because I was out of wine. A male friend told me what a sin I had committed, and my stomach echoed it for three days. It might not make you that sick, but there are less treacherous forms of whiskey. Drink those.

Manual Transmission Sports Cars: There is nothing wrong with a really expensive, really fast car. There is actually everything right with such a vehicle. However, the reason they exist is at least partially for dick-measuring contests. Feel free to comment that you race cars and therefore your Lamborghini is a necessity, but in real life, those cars are for guys to take out on weekends when they aren’t actually trying to accomplish anything or park anywhere with idiots around them.

Cigars: This item is my most strongly held belief, and one I first argued around the age of 14 to an Italian cigar sommelier or whatever you call it who apparently considered me at the age of consent. Anyways. You’re smoking a wad of tobacco so large that it is vaguely phallic shaped. I don’t even believe in eating anything of that shape in public but for the love of god, don’t suck on it, especially when it’s a guy thing. Don’t ask me how it’s the straightest thing ever for a guy to do, though. I have never claimed to make sense.

Large Steaks: If a girl lies and says she has never been so hungry/hungover that she has inhaled a portion of food that would shock any nutritionist worth their salt, she’s either really messed up in the head or a total raging bitch. There are a ton of socially acceptable ways to do this. A giant hunk of meat is absolutely not one of them. If the same quantity were cut up and presented otherwise, it would be fine. I am not sure why this is, but it is.

Most Bodily Functions: I still am shocked any time I hear someone mention a period around men unless it’s a situation where such news is going to make him feel really relieved or directly affecting his sex life. Girls also don’t poop but if we did, there would be no reason to bring it up to someone who isn’t a medical professional, ever. I know plenty of people think I’m ridiculous and that apparently once you live with him, they find it appropriate, but I feel like that’s when you really need to hold strong.

Oil Changes: This is the item about which I am most torn. Theoretically, yes, I know how to do this. My family has been in the car business for nearly a century now, and still I am told that changing your oil is the one job too dirty and too cheap for a lady to subject herself to. Guys like being able to say they did these things themselves. We can understand it’s worth not dealing with hazardous waste and ruined clothes for 20 bucks. It’s OK.

Lawn Maintenance: Seriously don’t get me started. No man in my family has ever done any lawn mowing or whatever, but I recently decided that my enjoyment of gardening would extend to the hedges and the edge of one of my beds. It doesn’t. It involves crank engines, a lot of sweat, and not enough satisfaction to justify that you could have paid half a lunch to have it done while you sit in the AC and arrange the flowers you cut from your planters.

Grilling: I love baking. I love cooking more. I am mostly OK with being an educated woman who derives a great deal of satisfaction from a man coming home to a house that smells like dinner even if it’s 10 minutes from being ready. The grill though? I have owned both types. One has gotten my eyebrows and about 50 dollars worth of bangs singed off, the other has managed to get me to light raw chicken on fire. Pass. Boys can have one cooking format, and grilling is it.

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