There are a lot of Halloween aspects that we have been preparing for since day one of September. From pumpkin scented candles to drinking Fireball apple cider, we’ve got this fall shit on lock. We have the best pumpkin patches starred, our apple picking outfits ready, and we start most days with PSLs. The only thing missing from our Halloween prep? The perfect scary movie. If you’re someone who hates the idea of having a panic attack on your couch, never fear. I’m a sick, twisted fuck, and have compiled a list of the perfect horror movies for you. Because if there’s one way to impress a guy this Halloween (or ensure cuddling) the classic “let’s watch a scary movie” move is the way to do it.
But since you’re trying to do this with a person you like, I’ve ranked these by bang-ability. From the sexiest to not-so-much-sexy-but-very-very-good, this list should help you when he decides to come over for a night of movies, cuddling, and sleeping with the lights on.
1. Jennifer’s Body
When a demon takes possession of her, high-school hottie Jennifer (Megan Fox) turns a hungry eye on guys who never stood a chance with her before. While evil Jennifer satisfies her appetite for human flesh with the school’s male population, her nerdy friend, Needy (Amanda Seyfried), learns what’s happening and vows to put an end to the carnage.
Why it’s hot: I mean, come on. You saw what just happened. Megan Fox in her prime? Guys *and* girls can get off to that. Win-win.
Why you should watch it: It’s not the beeeest movie around, but when you’re looking for something sexual masked by horror, this is a win. No, it’s not an award-winning film, and you might be judged a little bit for throwing it on, but the point is there’s a whole bunch of hot people and it’s pretty much about sex so like, no one can complain that much. Besides, it’s not like you’re actually going to watch it.
2. Eyes Wide Shut
After Dr. Bill Hartford’s (Tom Cruise) wife, Alice (Nicole Kidman), admits to having sexual fantasies about a man she met, Bill becomes obsessed with having a sexual encounter. He discovers an underground sexual group and attends one of their meetings — and quickly discovers that he is in over his head.
Why it’s hot: It’s an entire movie geared around sexuality, desire, lust, infidelity, sex parties, and obsession with being faithful. Plus there’s a shitton of nudity and a fire cast. If that doesn’t get you aroused I don’t know what will.
Why you should watch it: It has one of the best horror directors in the game (Stanley Kubrick), a very hot cast, and non-stop erotic moments mixed with very weird twists. I don’t know why you’re not watching it right this second tbh. When you have to pick a subtly scary mind-fuck of a movie, this is it. You’re not going to be so scared you can’t fall asleep, but you might stay up all night with visions of sex parties dancing nakedly in your head.
3. Cabin In The Woods
When five college friends (Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams) arrive at a remote forest cabin for a little vacation, little do they expect the horrors that await them. One by one, the youths fall victim to backwoods zombies, but there is another factor at play. Two scientists (Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford) are manipulating the ghoulish goings-on, but even as the body count rises, there is yet more at work than meets the eye.
Why it’s hot: First of all, you have a Hemsworth in there. Second of all everyone else is young and hot and in college. Third of all, everyone does young, hot, in college stuff like party and live their lives in almost constant foreplay.
Why you should watch it: First and foremost, it’s a really fantastic movie. And it’s not even technically a “horror” movie. I mean it is, but it’s actually more of a dark comedy. It makes fun of our society, it has twists you would not expect, and it makes fun of horror movies in general. It’s just scary enough to make you jump and cling to the person you’re with, while also ensuring that you get somewhat turned on and are able to fall asleep at night. If I had to pick a perfect “horror” movie for a date, this is the winner.
4. American Psycho
In New York City in 1987, a handsome, young urban professional, Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale), lives a second life as a gruesome serial killer by night. The cast is filled by the detective (Willem Dafoe), the fiance (Reese Witherspoon), the mistress (Samantha Mathis), the coworker (Jared Leto), and the secretary (Chloë Sevigny). This is a biting, wry comedy examining the elements that make a man a monster.
Why it’s hot: Christian Bale. I don’t know what else you want from me. He’s in it. He’s in his prime. And he has sex with people. I mean, he also kills people, but that’s not as hot.
Why you should watch it: It’s a classic. A lot of movies take from the iconic scenes, and while it’s very gory, it’s also pretty funny. This is also one of those “dark comedies” making fun of society. Weird, right? Above all, it’s a good movie with great actors, and if you haven’t seen it you should because the rest of the world already has.
Ever since his father died, young Kale (Shia LaBeouf) has become increasingly sullen and withdrawn, until he finds himself under house arrest. With cabin fever setting in, he turns his attention to spying on his neighbors, becoming increasingly suspicious that one of them is a serial killer. However, he wonders if he is right, or if his overactive imagination is getting the better of him.
Why it’s hot: When is Shia LaBeouf not hot? He’s a disgruntled bad boy who falls for the girl next door who doesn’t realize how much of a babe she is. It’s basically like our lives, minus all of the murder shit that goes down in the movie and with hotter makeouts.
Why you should watch it: For a movie that I had really low expectations for, it’s actually pretty good. You get a hot Sia and the girl from the mediocre cheerleader movie “Fired Up” and the story premise, while pretty far-fetched is good. It’ll make you jump and panic
(Here’s the remake for you lame-os)
In this chilling adaptation of Stephen King’s horror novel, withdrawn and sensitive teen Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) faces taunting from classmates at school and abuse from her fanatically pious mother (Piper Laurie) at home. When strange occurrences start happening around Carrie, she begins to suspect that she has supernatural powers. Invited to the prom by the empathetic Tommy Ross (William Katt), Carrie tries to let her guard down, but things eventually take a dark and violent turn.
(Disclaimer: I am advising that you see the original 1976 version of the movie. That being said, I don’t always get my way, and the 2013 remake has Chloë Moretz and Ansel Elgort so like, I get it. I included a clip from that one because I’m a people pleaser. That being said, it did much, MUCH worse than the original because it *is* much, much worse than the original. Okay, I’m done lecturing now.)
Ratings: 93% (again, this is the original. The remake got a 48%. Do with that what you want.)
Why it’s hot: Okay, so hot? Not so much. Sure there’s some talk of sex, and a hot cast. John Travolta at his best and in the remake, Ansel just existing? That’s enough to get you going. I can’t promise for the rest of it, though.
Why you should watch it: Once again, it’s a classic. The story was written by the master of all things horror, sci-fi, and suspense, Stephen King, and the movie is chilling. It’s the perfect mix of mind-fuck and horror, all with the promise that you won’t even need to cover your eyes. Probably. If you want something that makes you think, makes you question everything, and leaves you eager for the ending, all while hoping the end doesn’t happen, this is the pick for you.
7. Dusk Till Dawn
On the run from a bank robbery that left several police officers dead, Seth Gecko (George Clooney) and his paranoid, loose-cannon brother, Richard (Quentin Tarantino), hightail it to the Mexican border. Kidnapping preacher Jacob Fuller (Harvey Keitel) and his kids, the criminals sneak across the border in the family’s RV and hole up in a topless bar. Unfortunately, the bar also happens to be home base for a gang of vampires, and the brothers and their hostages have to fight their way out.
Why it’s hot: I’m sorry. A young George Clooney? The hottest Salma Hayek you’ve literally ever seen and who will make you hate your own body? Strippers? What was the question?
Why you should watch it: This is a weird fucking movie, I’m not going to lie. At first, you think you understand what’s going on, and then all of a sudden everything changes and gets totally weird. The graphics aren’t that great, but the good cast and mostly-naked people make up for it. It’s not my top pick, but if you’re looking for something that’ll impress a guy, and also ease into some good ole fashioned couch makeouts, this is a solid, non-cliché choice.
8. The Ring
It sounds like just another urban legend — a videotape filled with nightmarish images leads to a phone call foretelling the viewer’s death in exactly seven days. Newspaper reporter Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) is skeptical of the story until four teenagers all die mysteriously exactly one week after watching just such a tape. Allowing her investigative curiosity to get the better of her, Rachel tracks down the video and watches it. Now she has just seven days to unravel the mystery.
Why it’s hot: Yeah, it’s not hot. But hey, you’ll have an excuse to sleep together, right? Maybe with the lights on but at least you’ll seem kinky.
Why you should watch it: Considering it’s one of the newer horror films on the list, it’s actually really good. No matter how many times you’ve seen it, it’s still chilling, and you’ll always get bonus points for sneakily calling whoever you watched it with and muttering “seven days” before laughing your ass off. That’s reason enough to watch it.
After a serious car crash, novelist Paul Sheldon (James Caan) is rescued by former nurse Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates), who claims to be his biggest fan. Annie brings him to her remote cabin to recover, where her obsession takes a dark turn when she discovers Sheldon is killing off her favorite character from his novels. As Sheldon devises plans for escape, Annie grows increasingly controlling, even violent, as she forces the author to shape his writing to suit her twisted fantasies.
Why it’s hot: It’s not so much hot as it is relatable. I mean come on — we’ve all been so in love with someone that we just wanted to tie them up and hold them hostage, right? No? Just me?
Why you should watch it: Another total classic, watching this movie with a guy says “hey, I might be crazy, but at least I’m not this crazy.” If you’re not into blood and guts, you won’t have to worry about feeling queasy. Except for one very, very famous scene, in which case you’ll want to cover your eyes and wipe your memory. In a good way. Sort of. And if that doesn’t convince you, AHS star Kathy Bates won an Oscar way back in the day for this performance and trust me — she totally killed it.
Phoenix secretary Marion Crane (Janet Leigh), on the lam after stealing $40,000 from her employer in order to run away with her boyfriend, Sam Loomis (John Gavin), is overcome by exhaustion during a heavy rainstorm. Traveling on the back roads to avoid the police, she stops for the night at the ramshackle Bates Motel and meets the polite but highly strung proprietor Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins), a young man with an interest in taxidermy and a difficult relationship with his mother.
Why it’s hot: If you consider nudity and attractive people hot, it’s hot. If you consider murder, insanity, and dead people not hot, then it’s not hot. You be the judge.
Why you should watch it: This is like, the most classic of all classic horror films. The amount of TV shows and movies that have taken from the famous shower scene is literally uncountable. Sure it’s in black and white and looks a little fake now, but it’s sure to spark a discussion about the evolution of movies or at least being naked in the shower. And you know who talks about shit like that? People in relationships. You’re welcome.
11. The Shining
Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) becomes winter caretaker at the isolated Overlook Hotel in Colorado, hoping to cure his writer’s block. He settles in along with his wife, Wendy (Shelley Duvall), and his son, Danny (Danny Lloyd), who is plagued by psychic premonitions. As Jack’s writing goes nowhere and Danny’s visions become more disturbing, Jack discovers the hotel’s dark secrets and begins to unravel into a homicidal maniac hell-bent on terrorizing his family.
Why it’s hot: So, for all intents and purposes, this movie isn’t “hot.” Yes, there’s some nudity and allusions to sex but this isn’t a movie that will make you want to rip off your clothes but maybe sleep next to someone strong with all of the lights in the apartment on. You know, if you actually get to sleep. And no, this time it’s not for sexual reasons. It’s more of a “fear for your life” sort of thing.
Why you should watch it: It’s literally one of the best horror and psychologic movies ever made by one of the best directors of all time, based on a novel by one of the best authors of all time. “The Shining” is sure to get your mind racing, your blood pumping, and guaranteed cuddles with whoever is closest to you. It’s such a classic that I can guarantee you’ll see scenes that have been used in later movies and shows (the two twins, anyone?). The point is, if you want to watch a good, *good* scary movie that will actually terrify you (and not because of blood and guts), this is for you. Besides, it’s centered around insanity, and after being ghosted so many times it’s a feeling most of us can relate to.
12. The Exorcist
One of the most profitable horror movies ever made, this tale of an exorcism is based loosely on actual events. When young Regan (Linda Blair) starts acting odd — levitating, speaking in tongues — her worried mother (Ellen Burstyn) seeks medical help, only to hit a dead end. A local priest (Jason Miller), however, thinks the girl may be seized by the devil. The priest makes a request to perform an exorcism, and the church sends in an expert (Max von Sydow) to help with the difficult job.
Why it’s hot: It’s not, okay? It’s not hot. It’s just about the least sexy movie in the world. But hey, if you’re looking for a good scary movie and don’t care about impressing a guy or getting it on, this is for you.
Why you should watch it: It’s a classic. I mean, it doesn’t get much more classic horror than this. Sure, it might seem a little cheesier now compared to the computer generated crap you kids are used to (brushes dust off of my walker) but this is a movie that generations of people have been terrified of. Hell, lots of people even think it’s cursed due to the insane amount of incidents and deaths that happened during the filming and release of the movie. If you’re trying to actually be scared this Halloween (and maybe cursed for life) this is the movie for you.
And just remember: even if you’re too scared to hookup that night, at least you won’t have to sleep alone, right? .
Image via Youtube
Ratings via Rotten Tomatoes